Ahem.
Hello.
Good morning to you all, it's great to be here.
Here where, you ask? Alive, that's where. Yes, it is great to be alive.
I'm not being overly dramatic or anything, I'm just saying that it's really great to be a living, breathing human being that didn't just have their head chopped off. Okay so I spilled the proverbial (Greek word for "chocolate") beans there, but I've just been shocked by something. Shocked, you say? Shocked, I say. I #werk at Walgreens as a photo specialist (YESSIR). How special am I? Well one time a man had me put some cologne behind my ear to "see what it smells like," THAT special. Anywho, a young woman just sent in some photos. "WHOA BOY, A YOUNG WOMAN!" Calm down guys, it's only a blog. But in her photo order, consisting of her and a boyfriend type thing (kids these days), she chopped the head off of her boyfriend... In every. single. PHOTO.
This is where you're all "#wut" and I'm like "*nods*"
All internet speak aside, this raises an interesting topic: what did this guy say to deserve getting fake murdered by his girlfriend 26 times? (If that seems like a lot, it is.) Well let's try and help our fellow man out by composing a list of what not to say. This ensuing list, in descending, yet not any particular order, is a lot like using safety scissors: you shouldn't have any trouble using or following it, but it's not idiot proof.
5. "Yes." - oh it's SUCH A SMALL WORD!
But you can straight up get your heine caught in a trap if you use it wrong. Like an actual trap. A bear trap. For bears, but your girlfriend sets it up. On purpose and with the sort of, "yeah I'm ticked but I know EXACTLY what I'm doing," look. When do you want to steer clear of the word? Always. Like if she asks if you want to do something, always say "I literally have no preference other than what your preference is, because we are one." Perfect, right? Right.
4. "No." - Almost always the wrong word. The only time you're allowed to say this word is when she asks if something makes her look like something bad, and even then you have to do it a certain way. You grab her (like super gently 'cause don't be rude) by the shoulders, facing her of course, and stare deeply into her eyes, kinda like Orlando Bloom does in all those movies and my dreams and say, "NO. YOU. Are. Beautiful. Personified." Other than that, "No," is a no-no.
3. "It looks nice" - Even if you're from a culture where "nice" means "the best thing on planet earth, please don't yell at your loving boyfriend. He would die for you. Oh, actually, there he goes," (English, I think) nice is always the wrong word. It drives my girlfriend nuts when I say it (yeah, I have one), and she has resorted to politely telling me to "SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN NICE IVE SAVED EIGHTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE TO BUY THIS EXACT SHOES AND DRESS COMBINATION." (Not true, she's actually in possession of the loveliest of personalities. But, in order to promote funniness[not a word] I'll lie a bit). Anyway, don't say anything is nice.
2. "She's cool" - If you're talking about another girl. Let's face it, *turns* there we are: nobody else is quite as "cool" as your girl, and they never will be. That's why YOU are with HER, not some other hipster chicken. No other girl is any combination of any of the following: cool, smart, funny, nice(except sometimes, remember?), fun, any place you ever were, alive, a girl.
1. "Whatever" - It'll probably happen in a dream-sequence type slow-motion(two hyphens? You're crazy!) nightmare that you can't stop. You'll say it, you poor sweet simple angel of a man, and then your life will be over BECAUSE(pause for dramatic effect even though, like, caps lock brah-brah).... You'll see it in her eyes, her face, her neck veins. Her eyes will well up, her hands will ball up, her phone will call up all the strongest people she knows (we're talking Power Team, and not the white ones) and she will see to it that you know exactly who's boss for the rest of eternity. She is. Let's be real though, *be's real* if you're enough of a silly-head(settin records for hyphens here) to say "whatever" to her, you absolutely deserve whatever you get. This is the United States of Don't be an idiot, and you are a constituent.
Peace, love, Oxford commas, and Detlef Schrempf.
-Levi
No comments:
Post a Comment