Dark Chocolate

is awful. If you eat it, stop eating it. If you don't eat it, carry on and don't get tricked into trying dark chocs just because you think it makes you look cool or chic or whatevs. Dark chocolate is the worst. The devil invented it, that's why it's dark. "Oh," said the Devil, "looks like you got something tasty there with chocolate. Lemme MAKE IT AWFUL! MWUAHAHAHA AND OTHER ALL CAPS THINGS!!!" Yep, dark chocolate is the pits. So much so, I have a little story that I would love to share. 

#thestory

(Did you like what I did there with the hashtag? Prolly not.) 

Jeremiah Fubdlebumpkins was a kind man. Ugly, but kind. He made his way through life by, quite literally, pulling himself up by his bootstraps. This looked really silly for two reasons: 1. That's almost impossible to do, and 2. He didn't wear boots. Tragic, really, but he was a nice enough guy and had a lot of friends that were always like, "Bro, don't even worry about it, I'll buy you a McDouble." (Trur fact: true friends buy each other McDoubles and say Bro.) That is, Jeremiah was nice enough until the event happened. What is the even, you ask? Well, it's bold and italicized, I'll tell you that. It's also the turning point in dear Jeremiah's life. 

#theevent 

(Oh no I didn't do the hashtag thing again! Oh yes I did! Get excited! Vermont, we love you!!!!) 

'Twas a pretty normal night in Indiana, full of rain, thunda, lightnaaaan, hurrycaaaaans, more rain, corn rain, and bunches of other things like bananas and grapes. (Like I seriously have no clue about that last sentence so don't ask.) Jeremiah, or JareBare, as his close friends knew him, was ascending the nearest telephone pole to get to a pair of Jordan's hanging from the line because he, too, wanted to be "Like Mike." (You didn't realize this, but the whole Indiana-like mike thing is actually really clever, 'cause corn rows.) All of a sudden, and because it doesn't happen any other way, lightning struck. And it struck in the worst of ways, knocking Jerry fo Ferry straight off the telephone wire without his Jordan's; and without a ticket to a fictional LA Knights team in the NBA where he plays along Taye Diggs and Tom Cruise's son (#research). Well... Maybe not the worst. I guess the worst would be like in the face or something. "Lighting face!" the people would say. Actually, that's cool. Dejected, muddy, embarrased... and a bit itchy just sayin, Jeremiah returned to his home. "Lord, why am I so... Silly?" Jeremiah said, feeling silly. "Know what! Who cares! It's time to get serious! I'm gonna be so serious from now until forever! Just you watch!!!" Suddenly, Jerry realized that he was alone and pretty much talking to himself, causing him to feel very silly. 

Thus began the arduous process of converting good things into bad, fun things into not so fun, Like Mike into Like Mike 2:( 

Jeremiah's lasting successes include: licorice, race-car driver sunglasses, the mall, the WNBA except when Griner plays Diggins, and last, and worst, dark chocolate. 

Dark chocolate covers a broad spectrum of "badness" for multiple reasons. First, it's very tricky. Señor Russel Stover has been at this for years now with every seasonal candy aisle in the nation. Strawberry cream filled Santa Claus? Delicious, even if it's full of pagan lies, but Russell and dark choc ruin it... Every. Single. Year. Secondly, dark chocolate is used by rich or old people to make young people hate the prospect of growing up. "Oh, when you grow up, you have to drink wine from Wal-Mart and eat dark chocolate!" No I don't ma, 'cause I'm Neva growin uuuuup!!!! (#drama)Third, dark choc makes you sad. And when it makes you sad, it makes me sad. And when I'm sad, I still look like I'm happy but that tends to make people mad. Butterfly effect. 

Keep things milk-chocolately. 

Peace, love, lace-patterned throw pillows. 

-weebs