Dark Chocolate

is awful. If you eat it, stop eating it. If you don't eat it, carry on and don't get tricked into trying dark chocs just because you think it makes you look cool or chic or whatevs. Dark chocolate is the worst. The devil invented it, that's why it's dark. "Oh," said the Devil, "looks like you got something tasty there with chocolate. Lemme MAKE IT AWFUL! MWUAHAHAHA AND OTHER ALL CAPS THINGS!!!" Yep, dark chocolate is the pits. So much so, I have a little story that I would love to share. 

#thestory

(Did you like what I did there with the hashtag? Prolly not.) 

Jeremiah Fubdlebumpkins was a kind man. Ugly, but kind. He made his way through life by, quite literally, pulling himself up by his bootstraps. This looked really silly for two reasons: 1. That's almost impossible to do, and 2. He didn't wear boots. Tragic, really, but he was a nice enough guy and had a lot of friends that were always like, "Bro, don't even worry about it, I'll buy you a McDouble." (Trur fact: true friends buy each other McDoubles and say Bro.) That is, Jeremiah was nice enough until the event happened. What is the even, you ask? Well, it's bold and italicized, I'll tell you that. It's also the turning point in dear Jeremiah's life. 

#theevent 

(Oh no I didn't do the hashtag thing again! Oh yes I did! Get excited! Vermont, we love you!!!!) 

'Twas a pretty normal night in Indiana, full of rain, thunda, lightnaaaan, hurrycaaaaans, more rain, corn rain, and bunches of other things like bananas and grapes. (Like I seriously have no clue about that last sentence so don't ask.) Jeremiah, or JareBare, as his close friends knew him, was ascending the nearest telephone pole to get to a pair of Jordan's hanging from the line because he, too, wanted to be "Like Mike." (You didn't realize this, but the whole Indiana-like mike thing is actually really clever, 'cause corn rows.) All of a sudden, and because it doesn't happen any other way, lightning struck. And it struck in the worst of ways, knocking Jerry fo Ferry straight off the telephone wire without his Jordan's; and without a ticket to a fictional LA Knights team in the NBA where he plays along Taye Diggs and Tom Cruise's son (#research). Well... Maybe not the worst. I guess the worst would be like in the face or something. "Lighting face!" the people would say. Actually, that's cool. Dejected, muddy, embarrased... and a bit itchy just sayin, Jeremiah returned to his home. "Lord, why am I so... Silly?" Jeremiah said, feeling silly. "Know what! Who cares! It's time to get serious! I'm gonna be so serious from now until forever! Just you watch!!!" Suddenly, Jerry realized that he was alone and pretty much talking to himself, causing him to feel very silly. 

Thus began the arduous process of converting good things into bad, fun things into not so fun, Like Mike into Like Mike 2:( 

Jeremiah's lasting successes include: licorice, race-car driver sunglasses, the mall, the WNBA except when Griner plays Diggins, and last, and worst, dark chocolate. 

Dark chocolate covers a broad spectrum of "badness" for multiple reasons. First, it's very tricky. Señor Russel Stover has been at this for years now with every seasonal candy aisle in the nation. Strawberry cream filled Santa Claus? Delicious, even if it's full of pagan lies, but Russell and dark choc ruin it... Every. Single. Year. Secondly, dark chocolate is used by rich or old people to make young people hate the prospect of growing up. "Oh, when you grow up, you have to drink wine from Wal-Mart and eat dark chocolate!" No I don't ma, 'cause I'm Neva growin uuuuup!!!! (#drama)Third, dark choc makes you sad. And when it makes you sad, it makes me sad. And when I'm sad, I still look like I'm happy but that tends to make people mad. Butterfly effect. 

Keep things milk-chocolately. 

Peace, love, lace-patterned throw pillows. 

-weebs 

Baby, You Are NOT an Angel

We live in a "don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me," world. Can I qualify that statement? What do you think? (You think "no") But, what I can do is address the issue at hand *looks at hand* which is guys calling girls "Angel." Like, "You're an angel, babe," or, "babe, you're an angel," or, in Tatooine, "Angel, babe, you are." 

K. 

First off, calling her "Angel" isn't super original it's sort of just something people do, ya know. Second off, and super more importantly, angels are scary sometimes. No? Well, how bout yes. They are scary, and here is a list of reasons why. 

1. Movie Angels - John Travolta. He doesn't exactly sum up everything wrong with movie angels, but he does a good enough job. Is that what you're referencing when you call your girl an angel? Hm...? A hairy guy with wings? Hope not. Here's some more movies that should steer you towards an alternate pet name:

Legion - plot involves guy from the bad fast and furious movie getting attacked by angels and then saying the F word at one of them. 

Constantine - Keanu Reaves. Scary angels. 

Angels in the Outfield - Italian kid, Danny Glover, motorcycle dads, lots of arm flapping, baseball. Anything in that list remind you of your girl? Shhhhhhhh...... Shush hush. 

It's a Wonderful Life - ..... Except if you're George Bailey and a big old guy talks you down off a bridge. Like, Mary, George's wife, is pretty fine (Dear Lord I apologize for saying things) but everything is black and white and in the snow and it's sad. Favorite line: "Why do we gotta have all these kids anyway?!" I love you, Jimmy Stewart. 

One exception: Meet Joe Black. Brad Pitt. Still probably best not to think about Brad Pitt when you're with your girlfriend or wife tho. 

That's all she wrote. Except it's just me and I'm a man. So, that's all I wrote. 

Peace, love, stay away from strangers. 

-Levi 

Top 5 Things to Not Say to Your Girl

Ahem.

Hello.

Good morning to you all, it's great to be here.

Here where, you ask? Alive, that's where. Yes, it is great to be alive. 

I'm not being overly dramatic or anything, I'm just saying that it's really great to be a living, breathing human being that didn't just have their head chopped off. Okay so I spilled the proverbial (Greek word for "chocolate") beans there, but I've just been shocked by something. Shocked, you say? Shocked, I say. I #werk at Walgreens as a photo specialist (YESSIR). How special am I? Well one time a man had me put some cologne behind my ear to "see what it smells like," THAT special. Anywho, a young woman just sent in some photos. "WHOA BOY, A YOUNG WOMAN!" Calm down guys, it's only a blog. But in her photo order, consisting of her and a boyfriend type thing (kids these days), she chopped the head off of her boyfriend... In every. single. PHOTO. 

This is where you're all "#wut" and I'm like "*nods*"

All internet speak aside, this raises an interesting topic: what did this guy say to deserve getting fake murdered by his girlfriend 26 times? (If that seems like a lot, it is.) Well let's try and help our fellow man out by composing a list of what not to say. This ensuing list, in descending, yet not any particular order, is a lot like using safety scissors: you shouldn't have any trouble using or following it, but it's not idiot proof. 

5. "Yes." - oh it's SUCH A SMALL WORD! 

But you can straight up get your heine caught in a trap if you use it wrong. Like an actual trap. A bear trap. For bears, but your girlfriend sets it up. On purpose and with the sort of, "yeah I'm ticked but I know EXACTLY what I'm doing," look. When do you want to steer clear of the word? Always. Like if she asks if you want to do something, always say "I literally have no preference other than what your preference is, because we are one." Perfect, right? Right. 

4. "No." - Almost always the wrong word. The only time you're allowed to say this word is when she asks if something makes her look like something bad, and even then you have to do it a certain way. You grab her (like super gently 'cause don't be rude) by the shoulders, facing her of course, and stare deeply into her eyes, kinda like Orlando Bloom does in all those movies and my dreams and say, "NO. YOU. Are. Beautiful. Personified." Other than that, "No," is a no-no. 

3. "It looks nice" - Even if you're from a culture where "nice" means "the best thing on planet earth, please don't yell at your loving boyfriend. He would die for you. Oh, actually, there he goes," (English, I think) nice is always the wrong word. It drives my girlfriend nuts when I say it (yeah, I have one), and she has resorted to politely telling me to "SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN NICE IVE SAVED EIGHTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE TO BUY THIS EXACT SHOES AND DRESS COMBINATION." (Not true, she's actually in possession of the loveliest of personalities. But, in order to promote funniness[not a word] I'll lie a bit). Anyway, don't say anything is nice. 

2. "She's cool" - If you're talking about another girl. Let's face it, *turns* there we are: nobody else is quite as "cool" as your girl, and they never will be. That's why YOU are with HER, not some other hipster chicken. No other girl is any combination of any of the following: cool, smart, funny, nice(except sometimes, remember?), fun, any place you ever were, alive, a girl. 

1. "Whatever" - It'll probably happen in a dream-sequence type slow-motion(two hyphens? You're crazy!) nightmare that you can't stop. You'll say it, you poor sweet simple angel of a man, and then your life will be over BECAUSE(pause for dramatic effect even though, like, caps lock brah-brah).... You'll see it in her eyes, her face, her neck veins. Her eyes will well up, her hands will ball up, her phone will call up all the strongest people she knows (we're talking Power Team, and not the white ones) and she will see to it that you know exactly who's boss for the rest of eternity. She is. Let's be real though, *be's real* if you're enough of a silly-head(settin records for hyphens here) to say "whatever" to her, you absolutely deserve whatever you get. This is the United States of Don't be an idiot, and you are a constituent. 

Peace, love, Oxford commas, and Detlef Schrempf. 

-Levi

20 or 14 Party Ideas for 2014

From: Levi Seymour, News Person

Great things happen every single day. Sometimes these great things manifest themselves in the form of parties. Don't automatically think I'm gonna go on and talk about "Hey bro, this is how we PARTAYYY!" No. This is all about theme, January Jones. The theme MAKES the party... And also the people... And also the like food and stuff because I'm all about a good smorgasbord (French for "really neat bord). Now, I am a news man, so it's only fair that I do some interviews for this post. That being said, I did not do any interviews because life isn't fair. Did you learn a lesson just now? Yes you did. 

20 or 14 PARTY IDEAS FOR 2014

Cauliflower Party - Wow, what a dumb theme, right? WRONG AGAIN, DAD! Pardon my French, but a cauliflower party is literally the cremé de la cremé of vegetable related theme parties. Rule number 1? Most things have to end with -iflower: answer the phoniflower, hand me that napkiniflower, don't talk to me like that in front of my friendsiflowers, etciflower. You might be thinking, in like, sort of that thinking-under-your-breath way that you do, "Well doesn't that kinda narrow the cuisine?" NOPE. It doesn't, Shirley. You have great food, it's called cauliflower and YOU. WILL. LOVE. IT. 

Dress Like Penguins Party - In my life, there have always been questions that pop into my brain that need to be answered or I write a blog post about life not being fair, like: "What's the sun made out of," or, "why do people like tuna fish," or, "why is this man so loud in the bathroom, I'm sure it's not that bad?" One of these such questions has been, "When people wear tuxedoes, why do they call it a penguin suit?" Because it's black and white? Wrong; because all tuxedoes are made out of bad penguins, like ones that rob banks, are in batman, or the ones with the little kerfuffle on their cabesas (Greek for brain). Anywho, the Dress like Penguins Party is a party that will allow you to steer clear of wearing a DeVito, and start LIVING real LIFE. Dress up like an American Hero: the penguin. They sell onesies, make it happen. Foods include: Oreos, Ice, very cold water. 

Mulan Party - Only one requisite: you must be swift as the coarsing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Also, bring little dragons that are ethnically confused.  Added bonus: you get to defeat the Huns. 

California Gold Rush Party - Alls you gotta do is know how awesome gold is, dress like a dirty hobo, and fight people with pic axes. The food is bad though because it has to have dirt on it. 

Ten Plagues of Egypt Party - Dress up like you've been afflicted by your favorite (least favorite?) plague! Moses was bad motor-scooter, and ain't nobody wanted to mess with him. Impossible to dress the part, you say? Well I beg to differ, literally. Please please please may I differ? Okay. Well, you really hate frogs or locust or blood or boils or not being able to see the sun. It's really quite simple. We'll leave the last plague alone because WOW THATS SAD! And we don't want sad parties, now do we? Unless of course it's a 

Be Really Sad Party - Think of all the tissues and Cymbalta(TM) prescriptions we'll be handing out! Can't miss on this party, also known as a Sometimes Christmas Party or Tax Day Wasn't So Great Party. Refreshments include tears. 

Like Seriously What Month Even Is It Party? - I would hope that this party explain itself. You live in America, you're young, maybe you're old, you have bills, you have a job, you have three, count 'Em, THREE pet turtles; (cool semi-colon, bro) life is very confusing. Sometimes you just have to ask someone, after a very cordial and slightly flirtatious and maybe a little gassy conversation, "Like seriously, what month even is it?" It's a fun time. Refreshments include: forgetting to bring refreshments. 

Celebrities or Athletes That Look a Little Bit Like an Alien Party - More costume oriented than anything, but this can be great! You have a ton of possibilities! Here are a few: 

Kevin Durant (actually explains a lot), Amanda Seyfried (girl from Dear John. First letter to John, "Dear John, I'm having a great time here on earth? Why do you earthlings fight so much? I am an alien." It's okay because Channing Tatum, also an alien, can't read), 

Fergie (Lady Humps, yeah right), 

Gilbert Gottfried (like you need an explainatiln), 

Barak Obama (sorry, prezzy), 

all those ones from the housewives shows, 

Sarah Jessica Parker (lovely woman but she'd be a 10 as an alien I'm guessing), and Batman.

I purposely didn't put Kareem Abdul Jabbar on there because he had powers and I'm afraid. Refreshment possibilities include  Reese's pieces and twizzlers I think. Not an alien so I don't really know. Also I don't look like an alien (yes huh).

 

Pizza Party - Can't stop, won't stop. 

AN EVEN BIGGER PIZZA PARTY!!! - Also known as my birthday if you wanna be a real pal! We're talkin BBQ Chicken pizza, Alfredo pizza, cheese in the crust is a must! Do not even try to fight me on that! You dress like a normal person, and you abandon all concepts of what a diet is. I will eat my weight in pizza, and you will still love me... Please. 

11:11 Paruy - HA! I misspelled party and I'm not even gonna change it! What do you think about that, brain? (Levi's brain doesn't like it so much, actually) Anyway, this party can only last for two minutes tops, and that's if you take a break for 12 hours in the middle. The point is the have a bunch of people make the same wish at the same time. The wish will be that they give you all of their money after they convert it into gold. Don't be so uptight, it's a party. You don't need any refreshments. 

Republican Party - Not sure if this has been established yet, but I think it'd be really neat to get a bunch of people together that control industries and just talk about the good ole days. I really hope this party idea isn't taken yet. Refreshments are located in the sauna!

Democratic Party - Just vote on stuff. Lol just kidding. In this party we are all named Al Gore and it's your fault that the earth is crying. Refreshments are for winners, and we are all created equal. 

Retail Store Party - Go into a major store chain (the crap do you mean?) such as Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Stein-Mart, Target, Walgreens, not CVS, Kroger, Albertsons, HEB I SERIOUSLY DO NOT CARE JUST PICK ONE! And find a spot to sit down, pull together some lawn chairs, a grill, some charcoal, and start grilling. It's not a crime to set fires in stores, I checked. Listen, if they want to display things for use and not let us use them, that's their prerogative. But, I get very confused about social parameters and sometimes a "No DO NOT DO THAT," sounds very much like, "Be yourself and have fun!" It will be nobody's fault but theirs. 

Peace, love, and Scalabrine. 

-Levi