That title seems provocative, doesn't it? Well, it's "that way" for a reason. You see, I've noticed lately that some people (maybe me) have been trying out some HOT new ways to get some attention.
You may be thinking, "Levi... watch it. People can see this."
If you are thinking that, my response to you would be this: SHUT UP! I'm a GROWN MAN-CHILD! You're NOT MY MOMMA!
Sorry...
Anyway, I mentioned hotness. I mentioned ways to get attention. And I mentioned them conjunctively. Now, Mr. and Mrs. Impatience, it's time I get to the point. But first I have to say something that has nothing to do with anything, say something else, and use an Oxford Comma. There, NOW I'll get to the point. Attention is important, whether you are the attention giver, or the attention getter. The REAL question is, "Why the heck do I want to GIVE attention? I WANTS IT FOR MYSELF!"
Here is a list of the Top 5, or however many I can make up, ATTENTION GETTERS.
1. Wear stuff that blends in with the street.
This might seem counterintuitive(<- WOW THAT'S A BIG WORD), but trust me. Let's say you're walking down the road, "You're walking down the road." Thanks. Anyway, if you're walking down the road, like you do sometimes, and you're dressed in clothes that look like the road, people won't see you.... at first.
BUT, here is a tip for you men (boys) out there: Hot girls don't look at the road when they drive, they're too busy texting or NOT putting on make-up... yeah right.
So, WHEN they hit you with their Toyota Priuses or totally super cute Mini Coops that they saw on pinterest and like totally couldn't wait until their 18th birthday to get it so they made their Daddies buy it sooner because they sent him a text that said this: "Well maybe I'll get it WHEN I DIE ;(", and they will hit you, they'll be forced to talk to you. Attention, consider yourself GOT!
2. Work "Wonka" Into Real Words
Watch the Wonkavision. Take the Wonkavator. Go to the Wonkabathroom. People will look at you like, "What the CRAP did he just say?" like they're offended and junk. But then, something WONKGLORIUS happens: they realize you love either Gene Wilder or Johnny Depp (let's be real, it's obviously Gene Wilder) just a little too much. And that's okay. That's natural(ed. note: no it isn't). But when people realize this, they're either interested, or they're Wonkarunning away really fast for some reason that I'll never figure out. Maybe they're just going to watch Wonka on the Wonkavision.
(do not EVER try this in real life.)
3. Talk About How Much You Love Kia Cars, Especially If You Don't Own One
Hey, it works for Blake Griffin.
4. Be Kanye West.
Okay, let it be known that I do not condone anything that Kanye West does, and neither does his dentist. BUT (that's a big but. HA! Sorry..) if what you're after is attention, he's your role model. Tell Taylor Swift she sucks, Get gold teeth(that dentist comment I made makes sense now, doesn't it?), wreck up a car, and finally, my favorite, make Mike Myers feel really awkward by saying, on National TV, "George Bush does not care about black people." As a matter of fact, if you work that into your everyday vernacular(speech and junk), you'll get attention. You'll be wrong and people won't like you very much, but you'll get attention.
5. A REALLY GREAT ATTENTION GETTER
Be just way over the top good looking. This is the one I use.
BONUS:
Okay, okay. I know that some of you (twilight readers) were reading this in hopes that you would discover something that would help you out RELATIONSHIP-WISE. Well, I've got just the thing for you. Forget about everything about Twilight and Harry-Potter. Forget they ever happened. Forget the books. Forget the awful movies(I know one more is coming out, DO NOT SEE IT). Forget the fact that you spent roughly 8 thousand dollars on memorabilia and movie tickets. Forget which character Facebook told you that you were "most like" (everyone seemed to get "Ron" and that one Vampire... John-Boy?).
I know this is hard. I know that every time you think about the series' ending, you get sad, like Bella ALWAYS IS (I wouldn't be happy either, her husband is ugly and weird and her pet dog loves her daughter). But it's gonna be okay, really. Just get the crap over it. "But how will I replace such a staple in my LIFE?"
Well... Like this:
Start cooking EVERYTHING that Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray tell you to! Now, if you're a guy, this is probably more beneficial to you. I'm not saying that guys aren't completely drawn to a woman who can cook someone under the table (not an actual saying), but, girls, if you cook, your husband or boyfriend WILL get fat. For guys, well, girls don't really WANT you to cook. They just really love it when you surprise them with it. And they won't think you're gay (ph... yeah right), they'll just appreciate it when you say, "Hey, I made you a romantic creme brulee." They'll think, at first, "WHAT THE JUNK?? THAT'S MY JOB!" But then, they'll smell it, and it'll smell delicious. They'll love it. They'll brag to their friends about it. And you won't have to do it again for six months. It's perfect.
That's all I've got.
Stay honest. Eat Taco Bell.
-Levi
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
How to Complain Online
Recently Brianne (That's my girlfriend, folks) and I went to Steak n Shake to enjoy some delicious fruit and water. Not really, we had steaks and shakes. Anyway, Steak n Shake is usually very, very good about customer service and food preparation and algebra and Taco Bell and dinosaurs and Angela Lansbury and.... Sorry, I got on a roll and just started listing stuff. Well, after Bri (that's my girlfriend's name, but shorter) and I had sufficiently awful experiences, we decided to write online complaints. You know, as a couple:) Well... Here's mine:
Levi's Complaint
Tonight I dined in your restaurant with my girlfriend. It took us a few minutes to get seated because the waitresses looked very busy with their standing and looking at us. After being seated, it took only a mere fifteen minutes to be asked what we wanted to eat or drink. I suppose that's understandable because I know that seeing people in a restaurant can be confusing. Waitresses must think, "Well what on earth are they doing here?" It must really be a daunting task. Also, I think the waitresses were trying an experiment by only allowing one waitress to ask the patrons for their orders. The restaurant was full, but the girl who took our order was a professional: she had been there, she told us, for two days... More than capable of taking all thirty patrons orders with no assistance from anyone, including a manager who seemed busy taking care of her child by bringing her to a restaurant and into a kitchen with hot grease everywhere. All in all, I can say it was an educational experience and I will not be returning any time soon. It is a shame, because the food is delicious, but it appears that every single employee in this particular Steak N Shake is either a babbling lunatic or an under qualified, if not merely overwhelmed, server.
I did not get a free meal.
by
Levi Seymour
Levi's Complaint
Tonight I dined in your restaurant with my girlfriend. It took us a few minutes to get seated because the waitresses looked very busy with their standing and looking at us. After being seated, it took only a mere fifteen minutes to be asked what we wanted to eat or drink. I suppose that's understandable because I know that seeing people in a restaurant can be confusing. Waitresses must think, "Well what on earth are they doing here?" It must really be a daunting task. Also, I think the waitresses were trying an experiment by only allowing one waitress to ask the patrons for their orders. The restaurant was full, but the girl who took our order was a professional: she had been there, she told us, for two days... More than capable of taking all thirty patrons orders with no assistance from anyone, including a manager who seemed busy taking care of her child by bringing her to a restaurant and into a kitchen with hot grease everywhere. All in all, I can say it was an educational experience and I will not be returning any time soon. It is a shame, because the food is delicious, but it appears that every single employee in this particular Steak N Shake is either a babbling lunatic or an under qualified, if not merely overwhelmed, server.
I did not get a free meal.
by
Levi Seymour
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Pick Up Lines
Quite often, people come up to me and ask, "Levi, what's with the turtleneck?"
Usually i'm pretty frustrated at this because 1. I don't wear turtlenecks, and 2. I got stuff to do other than solve riddles.
Anyway, and I don't know why, but i've recently been reminded of how great pick up lines are. Pick up lines are THE BEST! Have you ever been walking down the street and seen a good-lookin lady and thought, "That is a good lookin lady... If only I could say something to break the ice."
That's where pick up lines come in.
If you didn't already know, pick up lines save the day more often than Audrey Hale gets messed up on Claritin. Does Audrey Hale really get messed up on Claritin? I don't know. I don't make the news, I just report it whether it's true or not. Back to the point, I have come up with a list of pick up lines and how they work.
List of Pick Up Lines
1. "Hey pretty lady, that's a nice hat." - This pick up line works like a charm, especially if the girl is actually wearing a hat. The girl will think "This is a really nice hat, I'm glad he noticed. Now I will continue to talk to him," or, if she is not wearing a hat, she will look at you funny and intensely. This is a good thing. When she looks at you funny and intensely, she will see that you are devilishly handsome and continue talking to you(if you are not devilishly handsome, wear a hat).
2. "Hey girl, wanna go out for some tasty delicious beats?" - It is important to note that only a certain type of girl will be receptive to this line: the beat girl. The beat girl is easy to spot as she will frequently talk about beats, draw pictures of beats, or even compare every day things to beats, "That guy looks JUST like a beat," she will say. Anyway, the beat girl will almost never turn down an invite for tasty delicious beats, especially if they are both tasty AND delicious. After the beat dinner, you can feel pretty safe about this girl having feelings for you. Like Melissa Donham says, "If you got beats in common, it's destiny."
3. "Hola Chica, what's your favorite type of watermelon?" - Upon hearing this line, the girl in question will experience a number of emotions. Firstly, she will be surprised at being spoken to in another language, "This guy is bilingual," she will say, probably out loud. Secondly, she will begin to try and decide which watermelon is her favorite, "How many different types of watermelon are there?" she will think. She will be instantly enamored with such a smart, bilingual, inquisitive man/boy who seems to know a lot about watermelon.
4. "Hey, whatever." - This never works, don't try it. You will be slapped, and like Brett Land says, "Man, it sucks gettin slapped."
Well, that's all the pick up lines i've learned. Hopefully they are of some help, and if they aren't it's just because you did it wrong.
Gahblessya.
By
Levi Seymour
Usually i'm pretty frustrated at this because 1. I don't wear turtlenecks, and 2. I got stuff to do other than solve riddles.
Anyway, and I don't know why, but i've recently been reminded of how great pick up lines are. Pick up lines are THE BEST! Have you ever been walking down the street and seen a good-lookin lady and thought, "That is a good lookin lady... If only I could say something to break the ice."
That's where pick up lines come in.
If you didn't already know, pick up lines save the day more often than Audrey Hale gets messed up on Claritin. Does Audrey Hale really get messed up on Claritin? I don't know. I don't make the news, I just report it whether it's true or not. Back to the point, I have come up with a list of pick up lines and how they work.
List of Pick Up Lines
1. "Hey pretty lady, that's a nice hat." - This pick up line works like a charm, especially if the girl is actually wearing a hat. The girl will think "This is a really nice hat, I'm glad he noticed. Now I will continue to talk to him," or, if she is not wearing a hat, she will look at you funny and intensely. This is a good thing. When she looks at you funny and intensely, she will see that you are devilishly handsome and continue talking to you(if you are not devilishly handsome, wear a hat).
2. "Hey girl, wanna go out for some tasty delicious beats?" - It is important to note that only a certain type of girl will be receptive to this line: the beat girl. The beat girl is easy to spot as she will frequently talk about beats, draw pictures of beats, or even compare every day things to beats, "That guy looks JUST like a beat," she will say. Anyway, the beat girl will almost never turn down an invite for tasty delicious beats, especially if they are both tasty AND delicious. After the beat dinner, you can feel pretty safe about this girl having feelings for you. Like Melissa Donham says, "If you got beats in common, it's destiny."
3. "Hola Chica, what's your favorite type of watermelon?" - Upon hearing this line, the girl in question will experience a number of emotions. Firstly, she will be surprised at being spoken to in another language, "This guy is bilingual," she will say, probably out loud. Secondly, she will begin to try and decide which watermelon is her favorite, "How many different types of watermelon are there?" she will think. She will be instantly enamored with such a smart, bilingual, inquisitive man/boy who seems to know a lot about watermelon.
4. "Hey, whatever." - This never works, don't try it. You will be slapped, and like Brett Land says, "Man, it sucks gettin slapped."
Well, that's all the pick up lines i've learned. Hopefully they are of some help, and if they aren't it's just because you did it wrong.
Gahblessya.
By
Levi Seymour
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
How to Make a Baby
Ladies and ladies and ladies and gentlemen, as it is reaching finals week and major projects are almost due, there has only been one question on my mind: Where do babies come from?
Frankly, i'm not the only one who has been wondering this question out loud. Often times I will be walking, strolling if you will, through Wal-Mart and I'll hear a young child or a small dog offer the same inquiry: Where do babies come from? Or, "Arf arf arfies arf arf?" <-- That's what dogs sound like.
This is an epidemic ladies and gentlemen. That being said, it is my duty as a human being to find an answer to this question for myself, for small children, and for dogs.
To answer this question, I have consulted the most trusted source: Disney. Before the movie "Up" begins playing, you will notice a digital short of sorts. The difference between this digital short and others that Pixar has offered is that it is real and scientific. Real scientific. This short depicts storks bringing babies of all species to proud parents everywhere.
Storks? Is that really all there is to it? Well that doesn't make sense... why would they call it "making a baby" or "having a baby" if there aren't any ingredients? If all I have to do is ask a friggin stork to bring me a kid, what am I responsible for? I didn't make ANYTHING!
Well this answer just doesn't satisfy me at all, so I've come up with a list of things I think could be an alternative to the popular, yet totally wrong and stupid, theory of storks.
THE LIST:
1. Well for a couple to have a baby, there has to be two people involved... I think, I'm not really sure. Anyway, if you have to "make" a baby, there has to be ingredients, like flour or something. My recipe for a baby would be as follows:
1 bag of hair - a baby has to have hair
600 gallons of water - i just think that's the right amount
9 eggs - eggs are delicious
42 ounces of meat loaf - so the baby can have strong arms
30 pounds of pizza dough - this will be the baby's body, i think babies weigh 30 pounds.
preparation: mix it up and put it in the oven for 9 months and then you have a fresh, really hot baby.
I'm not gonna say this theory has no flaws, but it's better than the stork idea.
2. My second idea is based on the fact that the lady who is the baby's mom generally gets a big stomach right before the baby happens. I think this happens because the mom eats a whole lot so the baby won't be self conscious about his fat belly (what, you don't think babies are fat? they are).
Anyway, I also found out that a family usually goes to the hospital before the baby arrives. This leads me to believe that the hospital just has babies stock-piled in a room somewhere and they'll only give them out once a woman's belly is big enough that the baby won't have his feelings hurt.
3. Well... it could be that babies are all around us but they're just really sneaky and fast so we never see them. In order to "have" a baby, you must first catch the baby. After being caught, they stop being fast and sneaky because they're ashamed of themselves.
4. Babies are robots and you have to build them.
So ladies and ladies and ladies and gentlemen, i'm still not entirely certain of how babies are made/built, but i'm pretty sure i'm close. Text me if you find out what the answer really is, bye!!!!
Frankly, i'm not the only one who has been wondering this question out loud. Often times I will be walking, strolling if you will, through Wal-Mart and I'll hear a young child or a small dog offer the same inquiry: Where do babies come from? Or, "Arf arf arfies arf arf?" <-- That's what dogs sound like.
This is an epidemic ladies and gentlemen. That being said, it is my duty as a human being to find an answer to this question for myself, for small children, and for dogs.
To answer this question, I have consulted the most trusted source: Disney. Before the movie "Up" begins playing, you will notice a digital short of sorts. The difference between this digital short and others that Pixar has offered is that it is real and scientific. Real scientific. This short depicts storks bringing babies of all species to proud parents everywhere.
Storks? Is that really all there is to it? Well that doesn't make sense... why would they call it "making a baby" or "having a baby" if there aren't any ingredients? If all I have to do is ask a friggin stork to bring me a kid, what am I responsible for? I didn't make ANYTHING!
Well this answer just doesn't satisfy me at all, so I've come up with a list of things I think could be an alternative to the popular, yet totally wrong and stupid, theory of storks.
THE LIST:
1. Well for a couple to have a baby, there has to be two people involved... I think, I'm not really sure. Anyway, if you have to "make" a baby, there has to be ingredients, like flour or something. My recipe for a baby would be as follows:
1 bag of hair - a baby has to have hair
600 gallons of water - i just think that's the right amount
9 eggs - eggs are delicious
42 ounces of meat loaf - so the baby can have strong arms
30 pounds of pizza dough - this will be the baby's body, i think babies weigh 30 pounds.
preparation: mix it up and put it in the oven for 9 months and then you have a fresh, really hot baby.
I'm not gonna say this theory has no flaws, but it's better than the stork idea.
2. My second idea is based on the fact that the lady who is the baby's mom generally gets a big stomach right before the baby happens. I think this happens because the mom eats a whole lot so the baby won't be self conscious about his fat belly (what, you don't think babies are fat? they are).
Anyway, I also found out that a family usually goes to the hospital before the baby arrives. This leads me to believe that the hospital just has babies stock-piled in a room somewhere and they'll only give them out once a woman's belly is big enough that the baby won't have his feelings hurt.
3. Well... it could be that babies are all around us but they're just really sneaky and fast so we never see them. In order to "have" a baby, you must first catch the baby. After being caught, they stop being fast and sneaky because they're ashamed of themselves.
4. Babies are robots and you have to build them.
So ladies and ladies and ladies and gentlemen, i'm still not entirely certain of how babies are made/built, but i'm pretty sure i'm close. Text me if you find out what the answer really is, bye!!!!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Bank Lady Woman Pt. 2
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and women, girlies and manly men....
Today is a sad day.
You might be thinking, "I don't really want to read this, but i will anyway so i can make fun of Levi later."
Thanks jerk.
Anyway, I recently went to the bank to deposit some money. (you know how i do)
But also, I went there to see Bank Lady Woman. Gorgeous, kind, funny, beautiful, graceful, good at cooking, doesn't smell weird; I went to the bank with these qualities in mind. I was nervous as I always am before seeing the closest thing to an angel on earth, Bank Lady Woman.
So in preparation for seeing Bank Lady Woman, I do the following:
1. The first thing I do before I can go within a mile of Bank Lady Woman is 45 squats. Why do squats you ask? Because it strengthens the butt muscle, and even though she can't see your butt because she's behind a counter, she can tell. Trust me. Why do I have to do this before i can go within a mile of her? Because Bank Lady Woman has eagle eyes.
2. Next, I prepare myself a delicious garden salad consisting of: you guessed it, a garden.
A garden salad is good for settling your nerves, I learned this after watching a Bruce Lee movie in the 5th grade. Works like a charm.
3. I eat about 6 whole packages of gum. Not chew it, eat it. This way you are assured to have minty fresh breath, and probably also a minty fresh stomach. It's healthy.
4. I watch an hour of SportsCenter to keep myself humble.
Well, after I did the neccessary preparation for seeing Bank Lady Woman, I went to Wal-Mart to see her. What happened next changed my life forever.
I walk in, giddy. I'm practically floating as I walk past the greeter, not even checking to see if he's creepin on me like he always does; I'm happy to be alive. As i approach the First Convenience Bank, I can't help but notice that Bank Lady Woman's line is unusually long. "No worries," I tell myself, "probably just some dumb patron."
But then I look, then I look away, then I look back, then I look away again, then I look back again and I can't decide what to do so I look away once more. And then... I look back.
My heart is racing. My pulse is pushing 700 bpm. The whole world starts to spin. I don't even know who I am anymore.
The image I saw will remain in my brain until I see something more horrifying, which I probably never will.
Bank Lady Woman and Hot Deli Guy Man.... holding hands.
My own tears started streaming down my face. My own tears started streaming down my hands. My own tears started streaming down my arm pits. My own tears started streaming down other people's faces. It was a tragedy.
And so, my life is changed forever. I have given up on anything happening with Bank Lady Woman. I hope she has a happy life with Hot Deli Guy Man.
By
Levi Seymour
Today is a sad day.
You might be thinking, "I don't really want to read this, but i will anyway so i can make fun of Levi later."
Thanks jerk.
Anyway, I recently went to the bank to deposit some money. (you know how i do)
But also, I went there to see Bank Lady Woman. Gorgeous, kind, funny, beautiful, graceful, good at cooking, doesn't smell weird; I went to the bank with these qualities in mind. I was nervous as I always am before seeing the closest thing to an angel on earth, Bank Lady Woman.
So in preparation for seeing Bank Lady Woman, I do the following:
1. The first thing I do before I can go within a mile of Bank Lady Woman is 45 squats. Why do squats you ask? Because it strengthens the butt muscle, and even though she can't see your butt because she's behind a counter, she can tell. Trust me. Why do I have to do this before i can go within a mile of her? Because Bank Lady Woman has eagle eyes.
2. Next, I prepare myself a delicious garden salad consisting of: you guessed it, a garden.
A garden salad is good for settling your nerves, I learned this after watching a Bruce Lee movie in the 5th grade. Works like a charm.
3. I eat about 6 whole packages of gum. Not chew it, eat it. This way you are assured to have minty fresh breath, and probably also a minty fresh stomach. It's healthy.
4. I watch an hour of SportsCenter to keep myself humble.
Well, after I did the neccessary preparation for seeing Bank Lady Woman, I went to Wal-Mart to see her. What happened next changed my life forever.
I walk in, giddy. I'm practically floating as I walk past the greeter, not even checking to see if he's creepin on me like he always does; I'm happy to be alive. As i approach the First Convenience Bank, I can't help but notice that Bank Lady Woman's line is unusually long. "No worries," I tell myself, "probably just some dumb patron."
But then I look, then I look away, then I look back, then I look away again, then I look back again and I can't decide what to do so I look away once more. And then... I look back.
My heart is racing. My pulse is pushing 700 bpm. The whole world starts to spin. I don't even know who I am anymore.
The image I saw will remain in my brain until I see something more horrifying, which I probably never will.
Bank Lady Woman and Hot Deli Guy Man.... holding hands.
My own tears started streaming down my face. My own tears started streaming down my hands. My own tears started streaming down my arm pits. My own tears started streaming down other people's faces. It was a tragedy.
And so, my life is changed forever. I have given up on anything happening with Bank Lady Woman. I hope she has a happy life with Hot Deli Guy Man.
By
Levi Seymour
Friday, February 26, 2010
Bank Lady Woman
I am 19 years old and I think it's about time I start thinking about the rest of my life, namely marriage. Now you may be thinking, "Levi, nobody will ever want to look at you. Cuz look at your hair, dumb."
Be that as it may, I will find myself a woman. A godly woman. A woman that knows loves me for who I am. A woman that can probably cook, and clean, and handle money... In other words, a bank lady woman.
You read that right, a bank lady woman.
Now this thought didn't just come out of left field all of the sudden, I admit that I do have some inspiration... bank lady woman inspiration.
You see, I attend Mary Hardin Baylor. Because of this, I frequently attend Wal-Mart(sometimes called "The Prison") in Belton. Because I attend the Wal-Mart(Prison) in Belton so much, I decided that there is no other place on earth that I should trust to handle my financial endeavors. Because of all of this, I am a member of the First Convenience Bank inside the Wal-Mart(Prison). Got it? Good.
Well... it jsut so happens that there is a bank lady woman that works at the First Convenience Bank that might just be MY DESTINY. Why did I capitalize those words? Because I meant it.
You might be thinking, "Levi, this is crazy. Do you even know her name?"
Well, I don't think that matters right now. What matters is that i've found my destiny and her name is "Bank Lady Woman."
What is so enthralling or special about this bank lady woman you may be asking?
Well I'll tell ya.... in list form.
Key assets of The Bank Lady Woman
1. She's formal. She always tells me to have a nice day; and while I don't appreciate being told what to do, it is a kind gesture.
2. She's got a lip ring and 5 colors in her hair.
Not really, but that'd be cool. Actually I think it'd be weird so nevermind.
3. She doesn't seem like she really likes salad like some girls do.
You know how sometimes you just get a really "salady" vibe from a girl? Or you go out with a girl a few times and every time you go to eat she orders like 3 leafs of lettuce then complains about how she's so full when you're really just thinking, "This girl might have a disorder. I should make her a steak smoothie."
You know? Well Bank Lady Woman doesn't seem like a salady girl.
4. She knows how to talk jive.
Pardon my french, but anyone that can talk jive is super sexy.
5. She's not french.
6. She's good with money!
She's actually EXCELLENT with money. Whenever we're married and she comes home from work I can ask her, "Honey, do you have enough money that you can just throw it up in the air and 'make it rain' on me?"
And she will graciously reply, "Yeah baby."
And that's the atmosphere our kids will grow to love.
7. Bankers can do anything because they know everybody.
Just think, if you're married to a banker, you can just ask them about everyone in town and their financial situation. So what if it's rude. Don't judge me.
8. Money suits.
9. There's 8 good things about her.
So that pretty much sums it all up. I am in love with Banker Lady Woman; and soon, she will love Bank in Wal-Mart Frequenter Boy Man. That's me. Maybe that's a little creepy...
By
Levi Seymour
Be that as it may, I will find myself a woman. A godly woman. A woman that knows loves me for who I am. A woman that can probably cook, and clean, and handle money... In other words, a bank lady woman.
You read that right, a bank lady woman.
Now this thought didn't just come out of left field all of the sudden, I admit that I do have some inspiration... bank lady woman inspiration.
You see, I attend Mary Hardin Baylor. Because of this, I frequently attend Wal-Mart(sometimes called "The Prison") in Belton. Because I attend the Wal-Mart(Prison) in Belton so much, I decided that there is no other place on earth that I should trust to handle my financial endeavors. Because of all of this, I am a member of the First Convenience Bank inside the Wal-Mart(Prison). Got it? Good.
Well... it jsut so happens that there is a bank lady woman that works at the First Convenience Bank that might just be MY DESTINY. Why did I capitalize those words? Because I meant it.
You might be thinking, "Levi, this is crazy. Do you even know her name?"
Well, I don't think that matters right now. What matters is that i've found my destiny and her name is "Bank Lady Woman."
What is so enthralling or special about this bank lady woman you may be asking?
Well I'll tell ya.... in list form.
Key assets of The Bank Lady Woman
1. She's formal. She always tells me to have a nice day; and while I don't appreciate being told what to do, it is a kind gesture.
2. She's got a lip ring and 5 colors in her hair.
Not really, but that'd be cool. Actually I think it'd be weird so nevermind.
3. She doesn't seem like she really likes salad like some girls do.
You know how sometimes you just get a really "salady" vibe from a girl? Or you go out with a girl a few times and every time you go to eat she orders like 3 leafs of lettuce then complains about how she's so full when you're really just thinking, "This girl might have a disorder. I should make her a steak smoothie."
You know? Well Bank Lady Woman doesn't seem like a salady girl.
4. She knows how to talk jive.
Pardon my french, but anyone that can talk jive is super sexy.
5. She's not french.
6. She's good with money!
She's actually EXCELLENT with money. Whenever we're married and she comes home from work I can ask her, "Honey, do you have enough money that you can just throw it up in the air and 'make it rain' on me?"
And she will graciously reply, "Yeah baby."
And that's the atmosphere our kids will grow to love.
7. Bankers can do anything because they know everybody.
Just think, if you're married to a banker, you can just ask them about everyone in town and their financial situation. So what if it's rude. Don't judge me.
8. Money suits.
9. There's 8 good things about her.
So that pretty much sums it all up. I am in love with Banker Lady Woman; and soon, she will love Bank in Wal-Mart Frequenter Boy Man. That's me. Maybe that's a little creepy...
By
Levi Seymour
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Cuz I'm a hard workin man...
You know it broseph. Probably the hardest worker there is. I don't like to brag, but why work if I can't tell everybody how hard I'm working? Well guess how hard i'm working. Go ahead, guess. I'M WORKING THE HARDEST!!!
You may be thinking, "Levi, you are the single laziest person I know. In fact, you didn't even take a shower today and you woke up at noon."
Well... if you are thinking that, I'm going to have to ask you to stop creeping on me. Anyway, you also might be wondering why I work so hard.
The answer is simple, it's because I like getting hit on by people that see me work hard. I'll just be doing my job when I'll spot some ladies off in the distance and then WHAM!!! I'll kick it into turbo mode. What is "Turbo Mode" you ask? Well let me give you some examples...
Examples of Turbo Mode, (Volume 1)
1. The first example of Turbo Mode is "Turbo Strength."
This is for when you are doing really hard manual labor, such as quilting... I mean, such as bashing concrete in half with your bare hands, WITHOUT GLOVES!!!
See, nobody in their right mind would ever attempt to just bash some concrete in half without gloves, but somebody in their Turbo mind just might. The result of this is that either the girls in the distance will notice you and be impressed by your strenghth, or they will notice you and be afraid and tell their friends who will be impressed by your strength. Win-win situation compadre.
*Disclaimer* Sometimes when you're in Turbo Strength Mode, you can't stop bashing concrete and you can get in trouble for that if you're not under contract.
2. The second example of Turbo Mode is "Turbo Brains."
Turbo Brains is for when you have a smart guy job, such as a scientist, a doctor, a sceince doctor, or a doctor of sceince... or a Gaybrarian, sometimes called "Librarians." Now you might be saying out loud, "Smart guys are pansy guys, how can they have a Turbo Mode at all?"
Well the answer to that is simple. The answer is, "Shut up."
Well whenever a smart guy is just doin his business around wherever smart guys do business, probably sceince labs or gaybraries, they often spot curious ladies. They think to themselves,(thats what smart guys do, they think)how am I going to make that lady notice me when i'm not strong enough to lift a pencil? Then all these smart guys eventually figure it out and walk up to a girl, after hours of prep, and begin to recite to them interesting tidbits they have learned over the course of their sceintific life, such as "There are over 200 types of seagulls in delaware alone" or "I can brush my teeth without moving my arms." Some of these tidbits may or may not be true, but you have to believe these guys because they use big words.
3. The last, and my personal favorite type of Turbo Mode, is "Turbo Heart."
This, as you might have guessed, deals almost exclusively with the ladies. Now this type of Turbo Mode doesn't come with any specific job, but it probabaly helps if you're in some type of customer service such as a McDonalds man, a handy man, and a man man. The last one isn't a job, at least i don't think it is. Anyway, the way you can tell that a fella has his Turbo Heart turned on is that he'll most likely be surrounded by ladies. Either that or he'll be with just one lady but they'll be like intensely flirtatious to the point where its not even uncomfortable for anybody to just stare at them or even take pictures.
Well these are the reasons I work, and although I probably have never had a Turbo Mode moment before, I've definitely seen a few. And that's what I'm striving for, a Turbo Mode moment, and by golly, i'ma have one one of these days.
-Levi
You may be thinking, "Levi, you are the single laziest person I know. In fact, you didn't even take a shower today and you woke up at noon."
Well... if you are thinking that, I'm going to have to ask you to stop creeping on me. Anyway, you also might be wondering why I work so hard.
The answer is simple, it's because I like getting hit on by people that see me work hard. I'll just be doing my job when I'll spot some ladies off in the distance and then WHAM!!! I'll kick it into turbo mode. What is "Turbo Mode" you ask? Well let me give you some examples...
Examples of Turbo Mode, (Volume 1)
1. The first example of Turbo Mode is "Turbo Strength."
This is for when you are doing really hard manual labor, such as quilting... I mean, such as bashing concrete in half with your bare hands, WITHOUT GLOVES!!!
See, nobody in their right mind would ever attempt to just bash some concrete in half without gloves, but somebody in their Turbo mind just might. The result of this is that either the girls in the distance will notice you and be impressed by your strenghth, or they will notice you and be afraid and tell their friends who will be impressed by your strength. Win-win situation compadre.
*Disclaimer* Sometimes when you're in Turbo Strength Mode, you can't stop bashing concrete and you can get in trouble for that if you're not under contract.
2. The second example of Turbo Mode is "Turbo Brains."
Turbo Brains is for when you have a smart guy job, such as a scientist, a doctor, a sceince doctor, or a doctor of sceince... or a Gaybrarian, sometimes called "Librarians." Now you might be saying out loud, "Smart guys are pansy guys, how can they have a Turbo Mode at all?"
Well the answer to that is simple. The answer is, "Shut up."
Well whenever a smart guy is just doin his business around wherever smart guys do business, probably sceince labs or gaybraries, they often spot curious ladies. They think to themselves,(thats what smart guys do, they think)how am I going to make that lady notice me when i'm not strong enough to lift a pencil? Then all these smart guys eventually figure it out and walk up to a girl, after hours of prep, and begin to recite to them interesting tidbits they have learned over the course of their sceintific life, such as "There are over 200 types of seagulls in delaware alone" or "I can brush my teeth without moving my arms." Some of these tidbits may or may not be true, but you have to believe these guys because they use big words.
3. The last, and my personal favorite type of Turbo Mode, is "Turbo Heart."
This, as you might have guessed, deals almost exclusively with the ladies. Now this type of Turbo Mode doesn't come with any specific job, but it probabaly helps if you're in some type of customer service such as a McDonalds man, a handy man, and a man man. The last one isn't a job, at least i don't think it is. Anyway, the way you can tell that a fella has his Turbo Heart turned on is that he'll most likely be surrounded by ladies. Either that or he'll be with just one lady but they'll be like intensely flirtatious to the point where its not even uncomfortable for anybody to just stare at them or even take pictures.
Well these are the reasons I work, and although I probably have never had a Turbo Mode moment before, I've definitely seen a few. And that's what I'm striving for, a Turbo Mode moment, and by golly, i'ma have one one of these days.
-Levi
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