You Got Your Music Here, You Got Your Other Stuff There

From January The Second, Two Thousand and Fourteen

Have you ever known someone who always says "Ugh... music IS my life?" Well they're called liars. Music is your ENTIRE life? Really? Well how come you're not singing right this stinkin' second?? Well I'm sick of it. I'm stinking, flipping SICK!! I've come up with some challenges, a cure-all after another and so on, in this post that you may use to combat these hipster lobos(that's coyotes, I think. Irrelevant, but it sounded good). 

Also, I will bequeath the ever-important top ten list of hanging fruits. Are you excited about that? You bet your Adam's apple you are. (Ed. Note: you so wanna be like "OMG I see what he did there," but you won't. You won't do that. That's silly.) 

Without further ado (just one do, more like adon't), a reprehensible guide to Music is My Life-ers.

Situation 1: At the Mall

Part of the problem is that the mall makes it almost too easy to claim that music is your life. After all, your life is already boring enough that you have to go to a store full of other stores to spend money you don't have (nobody has money except Tom Brady but he's the best) on stuff you don't need for reasons you can't explain because music is your life. Somehow, you escape, and realize that music is, in fact, NOT your life. However, that doesn't mean the rest of Cleveland realizes this truth. You do live in Cleveland, don't you? Yes you do. 

Picture yourself. There you are, lookin all like how you look like.. Stupid and whatnot. Unsuspecting, you are suddenly in some kind of store type thing and being approached by a young person. "Ew, a YOUNG PERSON," you say out loud. And then the worst thing happens they start talking. Do I mean like they're moving their mouths and telling their brains to tell their vocal chords and mouths and breathing apparatus' to work together to construct letter sounds to construct words to construct sentences and communicate in the local societal language? When the Angels win the pennant I do! (Wut.) 

Anyway, this young person says something and you reply with a very loquacious, "um," and they then say, "Yeah man, music IS my life." 

Disaster is your name, and you are your life right now. 

Situation 2: At the Concert

So you go to concerts, that's perfectly alright. So you stand in lines, what do you want me to do about it? So your favorite band is really just one guy and a computer, no judgement here. But there's judgement right here in this compound sentence with a colon: a "band" needs to not have computers in it, little mama, it's science and it's the law. Don't listen to computers, they're responsible for The Matrix and that makes people batteries. DO YOU WANNA BE A BATTERY/Keanu Reaves? No you do not. Nobody does. That's not even how you spell his last name. 

Either way, you're at a concert. Maybe you pop out of the mosh pit (let's be real, you went to Dave Mathews and the mosh pit was just like the grocery store and you said excuse me) for a second to go get a sody-pop. Nothing wrong with an ice-cold ginger ale at a Dave Mathews concert (Ed. note, SO many things wrong with that). So you're sipping that delicious vegetable derived soda, and an old person approaches to probably ruin your life because that's their job. "Ew an old person," you say loudly because they need to hear how you feel and it's important to be honest, but they continue to talk in that boring long way that they talk an it takes forever. Love you Nana.

And they say, "Gobbelty Rogers was the VERY BEST music-man in the Chocolate Opera," or, "I don't know what these young people (so gross) see in all these Frilly Frallies and Pop Whistles. When I grew up in the Golden Age, we had real rock n roll with Gobbelty Rogers and other bands such as the Chocolate Opera. All chocolate all the time! Wednesdays it was Milk Chocolate with almonds. You see my boy or girl, I never can tell nowadays, music IS my life." And then you cry. You cry so much. And you ask God why bad things happen to good people. And you also ask Him what His first name is, because why not. 

Situation 3: The Family Vacation

"Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, we appreciate each other." Know what that is? Music. Know what else it is? NOT ALWAYS TRUE. Family vacations are great, you go places with people who are related to you, plan fun things, and try to make those things suck for everyone else. It's tradition and it's America. Let's say for your family's family vacation, you decide to drive to Montana. "For your family's family vacation, you decide to drive to Montana." There. Now you may be thinking, "well I live in Montana already." And okay. Okay that's fine. That's great actually. That's perfect. But that's not exactly my target audience so if you'd be so kind as to feel unimportant right now, that'd be swell (Ed. note, Levi actually loves everyone from Montana and thinks it's cool that everyone who lives there has to have the last name Montana. Like Joe. He also does not know a lot about Montana.) 

On the way to Montana, you stop at every single place you can spot that looks like it sells some quality jerky. Not important to the story, but just an idea. As you're delving into the delicious dehydrated beef/chicken/turkey/mongoose (oh, they make it) meats and careening down the highway towards the Land of the Most Tan, you notice a faint but distinctly annoying humming sound. It sounds like "hum humm hmmmmm hummmy huuuhuhuuhuuummmmmyyyy." Wow, that's bad. It's so bad. It's like the worst. It's your sister who is sitting next to you, or behind you. Whatever, maybe it's a small car but it doesn't matter because you. Can. Hear. Her. And that's bad and wrong for 2 reasons:

1. Murphy said so

2. She sucks at humming

On she goes though, and you are forced to make a suggestion, "Sister (or brother, who cares), would you care to stop humming/breathing? You're bad at it. A lot. You make me sad. You make me mad. You make babies sad. You are the worst. You are adopted." And then she (or he, it literally makes zero difference, geez) looks at you, turkey jerky planted firmly (not firmly) between her bottom row of teeth and lip and says, "music IS my life."

The earth shakes. The air suddenly becomes very full of wind; very windful. Birds stop singing, dogs stop barking, the sun stops shining, and celebrities stop making bad choices. It's the day the earth stood still. This is Your Life by Switchfoot comes on, and No, this is not who you wanna be.... Yeaaaaa

These have been a few pressing situations, the solutions following will apply to some or all situations in which you encounter a Music is My Life-er. 

But first, some fruit-related.... You know, stuff. 

The Top 10 Hanging Fruits

10. Watermelon - King of da fruits. Gots lots of vitamins. Always up there, hangin around. 

9. Kiwi - People group, fruit I'm allergic to. What's not to like?

8. Tomato - Curveball here, also can be used as a curveball. 

7. Tomato - Alternate pronunciation, alternate fruit: vegetable. 

6. Starburst - Delicious little suckers, hot me through many a lonely nights. Also not good for you. 

5. Lemons - Ever had lemonade? Tell me I'm wrong about lemons!!! Put it in your tea! Put it in diet coke! Put it in limeade! Stupid dumb limes, "Oh THEY'RE JUST GREEN LEMONS!" No mom, they aren't. They're better than that. 

4. Them Green Apples - Everyone's favorite grandma decided to turn the world upside down. Do you wanna revolution? Why, yes I do, Mrs. Smith.

3. Flintstones Chewable Vitamins - These chewy things have vitamins in them. Vitamins come from fruits. These vitamins were given an honorary fruit diploma. They count. 

2. Cookies - Doesn't matter what kind, if they grow on a vine and they're cookies, they're fruits and they're delicious.

1. Coconuts - If you don't agree because you think you don't like the "texture," let me remind you of the following:

1. Piña colada flavored stuff. Hispanics love it. 

2. Blue coconut cream slush at sonic,America's drive-in. Americans love it.

3. Coconut water. Rihanna and Leigh Ellis love the stuff

4. German chocolate cake. Germans love it.

5. There's gotta be some French guys who love it. They eat snails, they'll eat anything. 

That's the list and you love it. Now to the important business: Nap time. 

DON'T TAKE NAPS AT LAUNDROMATS DONT TAKE NAPS AT LAUNDROMATS..... Don't. Save yourself. 

Anyway, back at it now. You're wondering what the heck you're reading, and that's fine, but we definitely need to get back to the issue at hand: dealing with a music is my life-er. The first thing you must remember is that these people are not human beings and should not be treated as such. Okay, that's a little mean, but they probably just need to be shown how to live. So, take your time, be smart, and handle the situation appropriately by: 

1. Standing on Your Head - It's very hard to do and will immediately change the subject without you having to say a word. It may also make the person go away which is a huge bonus. Like a bigger bonus than the one George Bush got for "Just being a real cool guy." You can't do this in a car, so find something else. Suggestions include jumping out of the window... That's it. 

2. Be a mannequin - I'm not saying to stand completely still, they've already seen you move. But you can be a robot mannequin. Be really good at the robot dance and they'll be afraid of you. Also can't do this one in the car. Also will make old people scared, and that's dangerous. You know CPR? Better brush up on that.

3. Get a phone call like RIGHT THAT SECOND - "Oh! Steeeev! My broooooo! Last time I saw you, I didn't even see you nawamsayaaaaaan!!!" Then be like, "oh sorry bro, you need something?" This only works once in public because everyone knows people named steeeev don't generally receive such warm receptions, even on the phone. People will think that steeeev has just had something terrible happen and that's why you're being nice to him, because c'mon, it's STEEEEV. You don't wanna talk to him that long, and he's not gonna call more than once. In fact, don't even fake talk to steeeev, he's not worth it. Hope he feels better soon though. You're ma boi steeeev (he's not). 

4. Fall asleep real fast - there's a disease, it's real, and nobody knows who has it or how or why it happens. If you can be still, do this. Works every time unless the person talking to you is hilarious or you are ticklish.

5. Say "Music is also MY LIFE" - and get in a battle to see who's life is actually more music. Oh, you saw Tom Petty? I saw him and the heartbreakers. You listen to music 24/7? I listen to it 25/8! You're in a band? Well I started a band and there's no computers allowed! You'll get in a fight. It'll be glorious. Security/your parents will get called. But you know what? It's okay. Because music, it's your life. 

By 

Levi Seymour 

Shoutouts to:

Ross, Tom, the mall, and Doritos. 

Stay honest. Don't feed alligators larger than you. 

Top 5 Secrets to a Successful Relationship

It was a dark and stormy night as Persius ascended the frozen slope of Mt. Olympus. He was near the summit when he remembered that he had nothing to do with this blog post and then I started writing about what the title suggests. (<- That was me being weird) Anyway, Brianne (My lady friend) and I(Levi) will be celebrating our 20 month anniversary tomorrow. "WOW!" you might be thinking, "That's a long time!"
It is a long time. In fact, it's an incredible, almost UNBELIEVABLE amount of time. Not a bad thing, but one starts to develop certain secrets to success in a long-term(forever is pretty long term) relationship. My TOP 5 SECRETS TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP follow:

5. Be Dashing

Not dashing like Prince Charming or a really dressed up Robert Downey Jr., but dashing like REALLY FAST. Your woman should appreciate it if you can run, jump, throw stuff, or dance really fast. Trust me, I can do all of those things and that fact is not lost on Brianne. Time and again she says to me, "It's pretty cool how you're so fast at jumping and throwing stuff." And it's true. I jump so fast, I'm like the fastest jumper there is. Someone wanted me to do a jumping fast commercial but I didn't want to brag or make anyone jealous. (ed. note: Levi just lied... A LOT)

4. Tell People in Other Cars What To Do When You're Driving

"Hey man, turn on your lights because it's DARK!" or "Hey, be better at driving!" are both great examples. Authority, as well as supremacy and general intelligence are exhibited in situations such as these. Wow. Your girlfriend or wife or whatever will think you're the best dude ever. "Oh man he's so commanding and cares about safety!" It's a win-win.

3. Tell All Your Mates That She's The Prettiest Girl Ever

Even if your mates' girlfriend is standing right there. And you can go ahead and look right at their girlfriend when you say this, as if to say, "Yeah, not you, Plain Jane." Except don't say this to me because my girlfriend IS the prettiest and I'll beat you up.

2. Be The Right Amount of Chivalrous

Is chivalry dead? Who cares, we're not talking about that. What is important is knowing the RIGHT amount of chivalry. I get her door pretty much all the time, I'll carry sfurr, and I'll hold umbrellas or whatever. BUT, I'm not going to go overboard and lay my jacket down in a puddle so she can step on it. Do you know how ridiculous that is??? Yeah, the bottom of her foot is dry but my jacket is trash. I can't even wear it now, what if I get cold? I suppose I'll look like an idiot all night.

1. Just Be Nice

I've seen dudes make mistakes before where they forget this rule and be mean. Like his woman will say, "Hey can you grab my jacket for me because I'm very cold?" And he'll say, "SHUTUP AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE!" Ooh... no, sir. Probably just a simple "Yes" would have worked. Nice-ness works almost all the time to promote a healthy relationship. Whether it be not watching basketball and spending time with her, carrying stuff, buying stuff, not saying mean stuff, or telling her that her hair looks pretty, being nice is really great.


That's all.


-Levi

Attention. Get Some.

That title seems provocative, doesn't it? Well, it's "that way" for a reason. You see, I've noticed lately that some people (maybe me) have been trying out some HOT new ways to get some attention.
You may be thinking, "Levi... watch it. People can see this."
If you are thinking that, my response to you would be this: SHUT UP! I'm a GROWN MAN-CHILD! You're NOT MY MOMMA!

Sorry...

Anyway, I mentioned hotness. I mentioned ways to get attention. And I mentioned them conjunctively. Now, Mr. and Mrs. Impatience, it's time I get to the point. But first I have to say something that has nothing to do with anything, say something else, and use an Oxford Comma. There, NOW I'll get to the point. Attention is important, whether you are the attention giver, or the attention getter. The REAL question is, "Why the heck do I want to GIVE attention? I WANTS IT FOR MYSELF!"

Here is a list of the Top 5, or however many I can make up, ATTENTION GETTERS.

1. Wear stuff that blends in with the street.

This might seem counterintuitive(<- WOW THAT'S A BIG WORD), but trust me. Let's say you're walking down the road, "You're walking down the road." Thanks. Anyway, if you're walking down the road, like you do sometimes, and you're dressed in clothes that look like the road, people won't see you.... at first.
BUT, here is a tip for you men (boys) out there: Hot girls don't look at the road when they drive, they're too busy texting or NOT putting on make-up... yeah right.
So, WHEN they hit you with their Toyota Priuses or totally super cute Mini Coops that they saw on pinterest and like totally couldn't wait until their 18th birthday to get it so they made their Daddies buy it sooner because they sent him a text that said this: "Well maybe I'll get it WHEN I DIE ;(", and they will hit you, they'll be forced to talk to you. Attention, consider yourself GOT!

2. Work "Wonka" Into Real Words

Watch the Wonkavision. Take the Wonkavator. Go to the Wonkabathroom. People will look at you like, "What the CRAP did he just say?" like they're offended and junk. But then, something WONKGLORIUS happens: they realize you love either Gene Wilder or Johnny Depp (let's be real, it's obviously Gene Wilder) just a little too much. And that's okay. That's natural(ed. note: no it isn't). But when people realize this, they're either interested, or they're Wonkarunning away really fast for some reason that I'll never figure out. Maybe they're just going to watch Wonka on the Wonkavision.
(do not EVER try this in real life.)

3. Talk About How Much You Love Kia Cars, Especially If You Don't Own One

Hey, it works for Blake Griffin.

4. Be Kanye West.

Okay, let it be known that I do not condone anything that Kanye West does, and neither does his dentist. BUT (that's a big but. HA! Sorry..) if what you're after is attention, he's your role model. Tell Taylor Swift she sucks, Get gold teeth(that dentist comment I made makes sense now, doesn't it?), wreck up a car, and finally, my favorite, make Mike Myers feel really awkward by saying, on National TV, "George Bush does not care about black people." As a matter of fact, if you work that into your everyday vernacular(speech and junk), you'll get attention. You'll be wrong and people won't like you very much, but you'll get attention.

5. A REALLY GREAT ATTENTION GETTER

Be just way over the top good looking. This is the one I use.

BONUS:

Okay, okay. I know that some of you (twilight readers) were reading this in hopes that you would discover something that would help you out RELATIONSHIP-WISE. Well, I've got just the thing for you. Forget about everything about Twilight and Harry-Potter. Forget they ever happened. Forget the books. Forget the awful movies(I know one more is coming out, DO NOT SEE IT). Forget the fact that you spent roughly 8 thousand dollars on memorabilia and movie tickets. Forget which character Facebook told you that you were "most like" (everyone seemed to get "Ron" and that one Vampire... John-Boy?).
I know this is hard. I know that every time you think about the series' ending, you get sad, like Bella ALWAYS IS (I wouldn't be happy either, her husband is ugly and weird and her pet dog loves her daughter). But it's gonna be okay, really. Just get the crap over it. "But how will I replace such a staple in my LIFE?"

Well... Like this:

Start cooking EVERYTHING that Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray tell you to! Now, if you're a guy, this is probably more beneficial to you. I'm not saying that guys aren't completely drawn to a woman who can cook someone under the table (not an actual saying), but, girls, if you cook, your husband or boyfriend WILL get fat. For guys, well, girls don't really WANT you to cook. They just really love it when you surprise them with it. And they won't think you're gay (ph... yeah right), they'll just appreciate it when you say, "Hey, I made you a romantic creme brulee." They'll think, at first, "WHAT THE JUNK?? THAT'S MY JOB!" But then, they'll smell it, and it'll smell delicious. They'll love it. They'll brag to their friends about it. And you won't have to do it again for six months. It's perfect.

That's all I've got.

Stay honest. Eat Taco Bell.

-Levi

How to Complain Online

Recently Brianne (That's my girlfriend, folks) and I went to Steak n Shake to enjoy some delicious fruit and water. Not really, we had steaks and shakes. Anyway, Steak n Shake is usually very, very good about customer service and food preparation and algebra and Taco Bell and dinosaurs and Angela Lansbury and.... Sorry, I got on a roll and just started listing stuff. Well, after Bri (that's my girlfriend's name, but shorter) and I had sufficiently awful experiences, we decided to write online complaints. You know, as a couple:) Well... Here's mine:

Levi's Complaint

Tonight I dined in your restaurant with my girlfriend. It took us a few minutes to get seated because the waitresses looked very busy with their standing and looking at us. After being seated, it took only a mere fifteen minutes to be asked what we wanted to eat or drink. I suppose that's understandable because I know that seeing people in a restaurant can be confusing. Waitresses must think, "Well what on earth are they doing here?" It must really be a daunting task. Also, I think the waitresses were trying an experiment by only allowing one waitress to ask the patrons for their orders. The restaurant was full, but the girl who took our order was a professional: she had been there, she told us, for two days... More than capable of taking all thirty patrons orders with no assistance from anyone, including a manager who seemed busy taking care of her child by bringing her to a restaurant and into a kitchen with hot grease everywhere. All in all, I can say it was an educational experience and I will not be returning any time soon. It is a shame, because the food is delicious, but it appears that every single employee in this particular Steak N Shake is either a babbling lunatic or an under qualified, if not merely overwhelmed, server.


I did not get a free meal.

by
Levi Seymour

Pick Up Lines

Quite often, people come up to me and ask, "Levi, what's with the turtleneck?"
Usually i'm pretty frustrated at this because 1. I don't wear turtlenecks, and 2. I got stuff to do other than solve riddles.
Anyway, and I don't know why, but i've recently been reminded of how great pick up lines are. Pick up lines are THE BEST! Have you ever been walking down the street and seen a good-lookin lady and thought, "That is a good lookin lady... If only I could say something to break the ice."
That's where pick up lines come in.
If you didn't already know, pick up lines save the day more often than Audrey Hale gets messed up on Claritin. Does Audrey Hale really get messed up on Claritin? I don't know. I don't make the news, I just report it whether it's true or not. Back to the point, I have come up with a list of pick up lines and how they work.


List of Pick Up Lines


1. "Hey pretty lady, that's a nice hat." - This pick up line works like a charm, especially if the girl is actually wearing a hat. The girl will think "This is a really nice hat, I'm glad he noticed. Now I will continue to talk to him," or, if she is not wearing a hat, she will look at you funny and intensely. This is a good thing. When she looks at you funny and intensely, she will see that you are devilishly handsome and continue talking to you(if you are not devilishly handsome, wear a hat).

2. "Hey girl, wanna go out for some tasty delicious beats?" - It is important to note that only a certain type of girl will be receptive to this line: the beat girl. The beat girl is easy to spot as she will frequently talk about beats, draw pictures of beats, or even compare every day things to beats, "That guy looks JUST like a beat," she will say. Anyway, the beat girl will almost never turn down an invite for tasty delicious beats, especially if they are both tasty AND delicious. After the beat dinner, you can feel pretty safe about this girl having feelings for you. Like Melissa Donham says, "If you got beats in common, it's destiny."

3. "Hola Chica, what's your favorite type of watermelon?" - Upon hearing this line, the girl in question will experience a number of emotions. Firstly, she will be surprised at being spoken to in another language, "This guy is bilingual," she will say, probably out loud. Secondly, she will begin to try and decide which watermelon is her favorite, "How many different types of watermelon are there?" she will think. She will be instantly enamored with such a smart, bilingual, inquisitive man/boy who seems to know a lot about watermelon.

4. "Hey, whatever." - This never works, don't try it. You will be slapped, and like Brett Land says, "Man, it sucks gettin slapped."

Well, that's all the pick up lines i've learned. Hopefully they are of some help, and if they aren't it's just because you did it wrong.
Gahblessya.

By
Levi Seymour

How to Make a Baby

Ladies and ladies and ladies and gentlemen, as it is reaching finals week and major projects are almost due, there has only been one question on my mind: Where do babies come from?

Frankly, i'm not the only one who has been wondering this question out loud. Often times I will be walking, strolling if you will, through Wal-Mart and I'll hear a young child or a small dog offer the same inquiry: Where do babies come from? Or, "Arf arf arfies arf arf?" <-- That's what dogs sound like.
This is an epidemic ladies and gentlemen. That being said, it is my duty as a human being to find an answer to this question for myself, for small children, and for dogs.

To answer this question, I have consulted the most trusted source: Disney. Before the movie "Up" begins playing, you will notice a digital short of sorts. The difference between this digital short and others that Pixar has offered is that it is real and scientific. Real scientific. This short depicts storks bringing babies of all species to proud parents everywhere.
Storks? Is that really all there is to it? Well that doesn't make sense... why would they call it "making a baby" or "having a baby" if there aren't any ingredients? If all I have to do is ask a friggin stork to bring me a kid, what am I responsible for? I didn't make ANYTHING!

Well this answer just doesn't satisfy me at all, so I've come up with a list of things I think could be an alternative to the popular, yet totally wrong and stupid, theory of storks.


THE LIST:

1. Well for a couple to have a baby, there has to be two people involved... I think, I'm not really sure. Anyway, if you have to "make" a baby, there has to be ingredients, like flour or something. My recipe for a baby would be as follows:

1 bag of hair - a baby has to have hair
600 gallons of water - i just think that's the right amount
9 eggs - eggs are delicious
42 ounces of meat loaf - so the baby can have strong arms
30 pounds of pizza dough - this will be the baby's body, i think babies weigh 30 pounds.
preparation: mix it up and put it in the oven for 9 months and then you have a fresh, really hot baby.

I'm not gonna say this theory has no flaws, but it's better than the stork idea.

2. My second idea is based on the fact that the lady who is the baby's mom generally gets a big stomach right before the baby happens. I think this happens because the mom eats a whole lot so the baby won't be self conscious about his fat belly (what, you don't think babies are fat? they are).
Anyway, I also found out that a family usually goes to the hospital before the baby arrives. This leads me to believe that the hospital just has babies stock-piled in a room somewhere and they'll only give them out once a woman's belly is big enough that the baby won't have his feelings hurt.

3. Well... it could be that babies are all around us but they're just really sneaky and fast so we never see them. In order to "have" a baby, you must first catch the baby. After being caught, they stop being fast and sneaky because they're ashamed of themselves.

4. Babies are robots and you have to build them.

So ladies and ladies and ladies and gentlemen, i'm still not entirely certain of how babies are made/built, but i'm pretty sure i'm close. Text me if you find out what the answer really is, bye!!!!

Bank Lady Woman Pt. 2

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and women, girlies and manly men....
Today is a sad day.
You might be thinking, "I don't really want to read this, but i will anyway so i can make fun of Levi later."
Thanks jerk.
Anyway, I recently went to the bank to deposit some money. (you know how i do)
But also, I went there to see Bank Lady Woman. Gorgeous, kind, funny, beautiful, graceful, good at cooking, doesn't smell weird; I went to the bank with these qualities in mind. I was nervous as I always am before seeing the closest thing to an angel on earth, Bank Lady Woman.
So in preparation for seeing Bank Lady Woman, I do the following:

1. The first thing I do before I can go within a mile of Bank Lady Woman is 45 squats. Why do squats you ask? Because it strengthens the butt muscle, and even though she can't see your butt because she's behind a counter, she can tell. Trust me. Why do I have to do this before i can go within a mile of her? Because Bank Lady Woman has eagle eyes.

2. Next, I prepare myself a delicious garden salad consisting of: you guessed it, a garden.
A garden salad is good for settling your nerves, I learned this after watching a Bruce Lee movie in the 5th grade. Works like a charm.

3. I eat about 6 whole packages of gum. Not chew it, eat it. This way you are assured to have minty fresh breath, and probably also a minty fresh stomach. It's healthy.

4. I watch an hour of SportsCenter to keep myself humble.

Well, after I did the neccessary preparation for seeing Bank Lady Woman, I went to Wal-Mart to see her. What happened next changed my life forever.
I walk in, giddy. I'm practically floating as I walk past the greeter, not even checking to see if he's creepin on me like he always does; I'm happy to be alive. As i approach the First Convenience Bank, I can't help but notice that Bank Lady Woman's line is unusually long. "No worries," I tell myself, "probably just some dumb patron."

But then I look, then I look away, then I look back, then I look away again, then I look back again and I can't decide what to do so I look away once more. And then... I look back.

My heart is racing. My pulse is pushing 700 bpm. The whole world starts to spin. I don't even know who I am anymore.
The image I saw will remain in my brain until I see something more horrifying, which I probably never will.

Bank Lady Woman and Hot Deli Guy Man.... holding hands.

My own tears started streaming down my face. My own tears started streaming down my hands. My own tears started streaming down my arm pits. My own tears started streaming down other people's faces. It was a tragedy.

And so, my life is changed forever. I have given up on anything happening with Bank Lady Woman. I hope she has a happy life with Hot Deli Guy Man.

By
Levi Seymour