Have you ever known someone who always says "Ugh... music IS my life?" Well they're called liars. Music is your ENTIRE life? Really? Well how come you're not singing right this stinkin' second?? Well I'm sick of it. I'm stinking, flipping SICK!! I've come up with some challenges, a cure-all after another and so on, in this post that you may use to combat these hipster lobos(that's coyotes, I think. Irrelevant, but it sounded good).
Also, I will bequeath the ever-important top ten list of hanging fruits. Are you excited about that? You bet your Adam's apple you are. (Ed. Note: you so wanna be like "OMG I see what he did there," but you won't. You won't do that. That's silly.)
Without further ado (just one do, more like adon't), a reprehensible guide to Music is My Life-ers.
Situation 1: At the Mall
Part of the problem is that the mall makes it almost too easy to claim that music is your life. After all, your life is already boring enough that you have to go to a store full of other stores to spend money you don't have (nobody has money except Tom Brady but he's the best) on stuff you don't need for reasons you can't explain because music is your life. Somehow, you escape, and realize that music is, in fact, NOT your life. However, that doesn't mean the rest of Cleveland realizes this truth. You do live in Cleveland, don't you? Yes you do.
Picture yourself. There you are, lookin all like how you look like.. Stupid and whatnot. Unsuspecting, you are suddenly in some kind of store type thing and being approached by a young person. "Ew, a YOUNG PERSON," you say out loud. And then the worst thing happens they start talking. Do I mean like they're moving their mouths and telling their brains to tell their vocal chords and mouths and breathing apparatus' to work together to construct letter sounds to construct words to construct sentences and communicate in the local societal language? When the Angels win the pennant I do! (Wut.)
Anyway, this young person says something and you reply with a very loquacious, "um," and they then say, "Yeah man, music IS my life."
Disaster is your name, and you are your life right now.
Situation 2: At the Concert
So you go to concerts, that's perfectly alright. So you stand in lines, what do you want me to do about it? So your favorite band is really just one guy and a computer, no judgement here. But there's judgement right here in this compound sentence with a colon: a "band" needs to not have computers in it, little mama, it's science and it's the law. Don't listen to computers, they're responsible for The Matrix and that makes people batteries. DO YOU WANNA BE A BATTERY/Keanu Reaves? No you do not. Nobody does. That's not even how you spell his last name.
Either way, you're at a concert. Maybe you pop out of the mosh pit (let's be real, you went to Dave Mathews and the mosh pit was just like the grocery store and you said excuse me) for a second to go get a sody-pop. Nothing wrong with an ice-cold ginger ale at a Dave Mathews concert (Ed. note, SO many things wrong with that). So you're sipping that delicious vegetable derived soda, and an old person approaches to probably ruin your life because that's their job. "Ew an old person," you say loudly because they need to hear how you feel and it's important to be honest, but they continue to talk in that boring long way that they talk an it takes forever. Love you Nana.
And they say, "Gobbelty Rogers was the VERY BEST music-man in the Chocolate Opera," or, "I don't know what these young people (so gross) see in all these Frilly Frallies and Pop Whistles. When I grew up in the Golden Age, we had real rock n roll with Gobbelty Rogers and other bands such as the Chocolate Opera. All chocolate all the time! Wednesdays it was Milk Chocolate with almonds. You see my boy or girl, I never can tell nowadays, music IS my life." And then you cry. You cry so much. And you ask God why bad things happen to good people. And you also ask Him what His first name is, because why not.
Situation 3: The Family Vacation
"Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, we appreciate each other." Know what that is? Music. Know what else it is? NOT ALWAYS TRUE. Family vacations are great, you go places with people who are related to you, plan fun things, and try to make those things suck for everyone else. It's tradition and it's America. Let's say for your family's family vacation, you decide to drive to Montana. "For your family's family vacation, you decide to drive to Montana." There. Now you may be thinking, "well I live in Montana already." And okay. Okay that's fine. That's great actually. That's perfect. But that's not exactly my target audience so if you'd be so kind as to feel unimportant right now, that'd be swell (Ed. note, Levi actually loves everyone from Montana and thinks it's cool that everyone who lives there has to have the last name Montana. Like Joe. He also does not know a lot about Montana.)
On the way to Montana, you stop at every single place you can spot that looks like it sells some quality jerky. Not important to the story, but just an idea. As you're delving into the delicious dehydrated beef/chicken/turkey/mongoose (oh, they make it) meats and careening down the highway towards the Land of the Most Tan, you notice a faint but distinctly annoying humming sound. It sounds like "hum humm hmmmmm hummmy huuuhuhuuhuuummmmmyyyy." Wow, that's bad. It's so bad. It's like the worst. It's your sister who is sitting next to you, or behind you. Whatever, maybe it's a small car but it doesn't matter because you. Can. Hear. Her. And that's bad and wrong for 2 reasons:
1. Murphy said so
2. She sucks at humming
On she goes though, and you are forced to make a suggestion, "Sister (or brother, who cares), would you care to stop humming/breathing? You're bad at it. A lot. You make me sad. You make me mad. You make babies sad. You are the worst. You are adopted." And then she (or he, it literally makes zero difference, geez) looks at you, turkey jerky planted firmly (not firmly) between her bottom row of teeth and lip and says, "music IS my life."
The earth shakes. The air suddenly becomes very full of wind; very windful. Birds stop singing, dogs stop barking, the sun stops shining, and celebrities stop making bad choices. It's the day the earth stood still. This is Your Life by Switchfoot comes on, and No, this is not who you wanna be.... Yeaaaaa
These have been a few pressing situations, the solutions following will apply to some or all situations in which you encounter a Music is My Life-er.
But first, some fruit-related.... You know, stuff.
The Top 10 Hanging Fruits
10. Watermelon - King of da fruits. Gots lots of vitamins. Always up there, hangin around.
9. Kiwi - People group, fruit I'm allergic to. What's not to like?
8. Tomato - Curveball here, also can be used as a curveball.
7. Tomato - Alternate pronunciation, alternate fruit: vegetable.
6. Starburst - Delicious little suckers, hot me through many a lonely nights. Also not good for you.
5. Lemons - Ever had lemonade? Tell me I'm wrong about lemons!!! Put it in your tea! Put it in diet coke! Put it in limeade! Stupid dumb limes, "Oh THEY'RE JUST GREEN LEMONS!" No mom, they aren't. They're better than that.
4. Them Green Apples - Everyone's favorite grandma decided to turn the world upside down. Do you wanna revolution? Why, yes I do, Mrs. Smith.
3. Flintstones Chewable Vitamins - These chewy things have vitamins in them. Vitamins come from fruits. These vitamins were given an honorary fruit diploma. They count.
2. Cookies - Doesn't matter what kind, if they grow on a vine and they're cookies, they're fruits and they're delicious.
1. Coconuts - If you don't agree because you think you don't like the "texture," let me remind you of the following:
1. Piña colada flavored stuff. Hispanics love it.
2. Blue coconut cream slush at sonic,America's drive-in. Americans love it.
3. Coconut water. Rihanna and Leigh Ellis love the stuff
4. German chocolate cake. Germans love it.
5. There's gotta be some French guys who love it. They eat snails, they'll eat anything.
That's the list and you love it. Now to the important business: Nap time.
DON'T TAKE NAPS AT LAUNDROMATS DONT TAKE NAPS AT LAUNDROMATS..... Don't. Save yourself.
Anyway, back at it now. You're wondering what the heck you're reading, and that's fine, but we definitely need to get back to the issue at hand: dealing with a music is my life-er. The first thing you must remember is that these people are not human beings and should not be treated as such. Okay, that's a little mean, but they probably just need to be shown how to live. So, take your time, be smart, and handle the situation appropriately by:
1. Standing on Your Head - It's very hard to do and will immediately change the subject without you having to say a word. It may also make the person go away which is a huge bonus. Like a bigger bonus than the one George Bush got for "Just being a real cool guy." You can't do this in a car, so find something else. Suggestions include jumping out of the window... That's it.
2. Be a mannequin - I'm not saying to stand completely still, they've already seen you move. But you can be a robot mannequin. Be really good at the robot dance and they'll be afraid of you. Also can't do this one in the car. Also will make old people scared, and that's dangerous. You know CPR? Better brush up on that.
3. Get a phone call like RIGHT THAT SECOND - "Oh! Steeeev! My broooooo! Last time I saw you, I didn't even see you nawamsayaaaaaan!!!" Then be like, "oh sorry bro, you need something?" This only works once in public because everyone knows people named steeeev don't generally receive such warm receptions, even on the phone. People will think that steeeev has just had something terrible happen and that's why you're being nice to him, because c'mon, it's STEEEEV. You don't wanna talk to him that long, and he's not gonna call more than once. In fact, don't even fake talk to steeeev, he's not worth it. Hope he feels better soon though. You're ma boi steeeev (he's not).
4. Fall asleep real fast - there's a disease, it's real, and nobody knows who has it or how or why it happens. If you can be still, do this. Works every time unless the person talking to you is hilarious or you are ticklish.
5. Say "Music is also MY LIFE" - and get in a battle to see who's life is actually more music. Oh, you saw Tom Petty? I saw him and the heartbreakers. You listen to music 24/7? I listen to it 25/8! You're in a band? Well I started a band and there's no computers allowed! You'll get in a fight. It'll be glorious. Security/your parents will get called. But you know what? It's okay. Because music, it's your life.
By
Levi Seymour
Shoutouts to:
Ross, Tom, the mall, and Doritos.
Stay honest. Don't feed alligators larger than you.
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