Bank Lady Woman

I am 19 years old and I think it's about time I start thinking about the rest of my life, namely marriage. Now you may be thinking, "Levi, nobody will ever want to look at you. Cuz look at your hair, dumb."
Be that as it may, I will find myself a woman. A godly woman. A woman that knows loves me for who I am. A woman that can probably cook, and clean, and handle money... In other words, a bank lady woman.

You read that right, a bank lady woman.

Now this thought didn't just come out of left field all of the sudden, I admit that I do have some inspiration... bank lady woman inspiration.
You see, I attend Mary Hardin Baylor. Because of this, I frequently attend Wal-Mart(sometimes called "The Prison") in Belton. Because I attend the Wal-Mart(Prison) in Belton so much, I decided that there is no other place on earth that I should trust to handle my financial endeavors. Because of all of this, I am a member of the First Convenience Bank inside the Wal-Mart(Prison). Got it? Good.
Well... it jsut so happens that there is a bank lady woman that works at the First Convenience Bank that might just be MY DESTINY. Why did I capitalize those words? Because I meant it.

You might be thinking, "Levi, this is crazy. Do you even know her name?"
Well, I don't think that matters right now. What matters is that i've found my destiny and her name is "Bank Lady Woman."

What is so enthralling or special about this bank lady woman you may be asking?
Well I'll tell ya.... in list form.

Key assets of The Bank Lady Woman

1. She's formal. She always tells me to have a nice day; and while I don't appreciate being told what to do, it is a kind gesture.

2. She's got a lip ring and 5 colors in her hair.
Not really, but that'd be cool. Actually I think it'd be weird so nevermind.

3. She doesn't seem like she really likes salad like some girls do.
You know how sometimes you just get a really "salady" vibe from a girl? Or you go out with a girl a few times and every time you go to eat she orders like 3 leafs of lettuce then complains about how she's so full when you're really just thinking, "This girl might have a disorder. I should make her a steak smoothie."
You know? Well Bank Lady Woman doesn't seem like a salady girl.

4. She knows how to talk jive.
Pardon my french, but anyone that can talk jive is super sexy.

5. She's not french.

6. She's good with money!
She's actually EXCELLENT with money. Whenever we're married and she comes home from work I can ask her, "Honey, do you have enough money that you can just throw it up in the air and 'make it rain' on me?"
And she will graciously reply, "Yeah baby."
And that's the atmosphere our kids will grow to love.

7. Bankers can do anything because they know everybody.
Just think, if you're married to a banker, you can just ask them about everyone in town and their financial situation. So what if it's rude. Don't judge me.

8. Money suits.

9. There's 8 good things about her.

So that pretty much sums it all up. I am in love with Banker Lady Woman; and soon, she will love Bank in Wal-Mart Frequenter Boy Man. That's me. Maybe that's a little creepy...

By
Levi Seymour

Cuz I'm a hard workin man...

You know it broseph. Probably the hardest worker there is. I don't like to brag, but why work if I can't tell everybody how hard I'm working? Well guess how hard i'm working. Go ahead, guess. I'M WORKING THE HARDEST!!!
You may be thinking, "Levi, you are the single laziest person I know. In fact, you didn't even take a shower today and you woke up at noon."
Well... if you are thinking that, I'm going to have to ask you to stop creeping on me. Anyway, you also might be wondering why I work so hard.
The answer is simple, it's because I like getting hit on by people that see me work hard. I'll just be doing my job when I'll spot some ladies off in the distance and then WHAM!!! I'll kick it into turbo mode. What is "Turbo Mode" you ask? Well let me give you some examples...

Examples of Turbo Mode, (Volume 1)

1. The first example of Turbo Mode is "Turbo Strength."
This is for when you are doing really hard manual labor, such as quilting... I mean, such as bashing concrete in half with your bare hands, WITHOUT GLOVES!!!
See, nobody in their right mind would ever attempt to just bash some concrete in half without gloves, but somebody in their Turbo mind just might. The result of this is that either the girls in the distance will notice you and be impressed by your strenghth, or they will notice you and be afraid and tell their friends who will be impressed by your strength. Win-win situation compadre.
*Disclaimer* Sometimes when you're in Turbo Strength Mode, you can't stop bashing concrete and you can get in trouble for that if you're not under contract.

2. The second example of Turbo Mode is "Turbo Brains."
Turbo Brains is for when you have a smart guy job, such as a scientist, a doctor, a sceince doctor, or a doctor of sceince... or a Gaybrarian, sometimes called "Librarians." Now you might be saying out loud, "Smart guys are pansy guys, how can they have a Turbo Mode at all?"
Well the answer to that is simple. The answer is, "Shut up."
Well whenever a smart guy is just doin his business around wherever smart guys do business, probably sceince labs or gaybraries, they often spot curious ladies. They think to themselves,(thats what smart guys do, they think)how am I going to make that lady notice me when i'm not strong enough to lift a pencil? Then all these smart guys eventually figure it out and walk up to a girl, after hours of prep, and begin to recite to them interesting tidbits they have learned over the course of their sceintific life, such as "There are over 200 types of seagulls in delaware alone" or "I can brush my teeth without moving my arms." Some of these tidbits may or may not be true, but you have to believe these guys because they use big words.

3. The last, and my personal favorite type of Turbo Mode, is "Turbo Heart."
This, as you might have guessed, deals almost exclusively with the ladies. Now this type of Turbo Mode doesn't come with any specific job, but it probabaly helps if you're in some type of customer service such as a McDonalds man, a handy man, and a man man. The last one isn't a job, at least i don't think it is. Anyway, the way you can tell that a fella has his Turbo Heart turned on is that he'll most likely be surrounded by ladies. Either that or he'll be with just one lady but they'll be like intensely flirtatious to the point where its not even uncomfortable for anybody to just stare at them or even take pictures.

Well these are the reasons I work, and although I probably have never had a Turbo Mode moment before, I've definitely seen a few. And that's what I'm striving for, a Turbo Mode moment, and by golly, i'ma have one one of these days.

-Levi

Birthday Wishes...

Well, birthday wishes are for punks. But, since it'll be my birthday in roughly a day, I'm making a birthday wish... well several birthday wishes actually.
You see, I've made the same birthday wish for the past two years now. Still I've never recieved what I've asked for. I think a big part of not getting what I ask for is simply the fact that I don't write it down. So, I've compiled a list of some things that I'd be happy to receive this birthday, it better be magical.

Things I Want For My Birthday, Volume 1:

1. For February 9th to only be my birthday, nobody elses.
Well, I know that's kinda selfish but really I get kinda upset when somebody steals my thunder. Like how would you feel if someone else had YOUR birthday? You'd feel terrible, that's how you'd feel. You'd wanna just take their birthday away for a while or something. Well my idea is less severe, my idea is GREAT... not really. My idea is that we could just move everyone's birthday except mine to like february 10th or something. That wouldn't be so bad, would it? Okay, I'm a jerk.

2. I Want a Million Gummy Bears, but only the white/clear kind.
Everybody knows that the white/clear kind is the best kind of gummy bear, and think of what I could do with a million of them. I could eat them.

3. I want a woman.
I've kinda wished for that since my very first birhday. I seriously remember wishing for a lady friend when I turned one years old. That's not weird, that's what everyone should do. Besides, whats a better birthday present than going on a date? Nothing, that's what.

4. For everyone to stop saying "Legit" or "Presh" because its ridiculous. Let's talk real english, okay?

Well actually I've already had a pretty good birthday. Good friends, great family (fambly for you Saints fans), and an AWESOME God :)

Shout outs go to Alexis Barnard, ihop, The Super Bowl, Stuffed French Toast, James Johnson, and Ford Explorers of all shapes and sizes.