Chapter One:
It has come to my attention that I, Levi Seymour, need to write a guide to the ladies.
A guide that not only explains my uncanny ability to command the attention of every lady, but also teaches other fellows not unlike myself how to effectively communicate with a special type of person, a person that I like to call "The Lady."
Now you may be thinking, "Levi, aren't you just an idiot? I mean, you're probably just making this up as you go."
Hm... Just hear me out.
Now rule number one: You can't just go up to a lady and expect to talk to her like it's no big deal, it is a big deal. It's actually probably the biggest deal ever. Do you want to mess that up? Didn't think so. So, I've compiled a list of things that act as conversation starters or just ways to improve your relationship if you're actually lucky enough to be with a lady already. This list is called "Some ideas to always keep the ladies interested...."
I know it's a dumb title, but you're a dumb title... ever think of that?
Without any further silliness:
Some ideas to always keep the ladies interested....
1. Routinely carry around a baby doll and tell anyone who will hear you out that you, "rescued this baby from a pair of Jackals."
Notice that I said a pair of Jackals and not a pack, why is this you ask? Because a pair of Jackals makes it more personal, idiot. Don't ask dumb questions. Now when a lady officially asks you about the doll, tell her this:
"I know its not my baby cuz i'm still a virgin *wink*, but those Jackals were gonna rip this poor baby to shreds and I was NOT gonna let that happen. Ever."
And if she tells you that its just a baby doll, then she's too smart for you anyway. However, you can still get this lady, tell her that you know and you were looking for this doll's rightful owner because surely they'll be missing their doll Jermaine. See? She didn't know the doll's name was Jermaine, that means you're smarter than she is and she's instantly attracted to you.
2. Whenever a girl asks you about your parents, always include Canada in the answer somewhere. Such as, "My parents live in Canada sometimes," or, "My parents own a toy harvesting plant in Canada."
You may be thinking, "Canada is terrible, why would I ever say anything about it?"
Well because, stupid, when the girl finally does meet your parents you simply tell her not to talk about Canada because your parents are sensitive. This sets a low standard for your parents, so when your parents are exponentially cooler than the Canadians she thinks she's gonna encounter, you score like 60 points!
Plus, when she says, "Wow (insert your name here)! Your parents are cooler than I expected!" Well then you can have this following conversation:
Her: "Wow (insert your name here)! Your parents are cooler than I expected!"
You: "What do you mean?" (confused look)
Her: "Well I mean... cuz they're always doing stuff in Canada."
You: "I'm not following..." (confused/offended a little bit look)
Her: "Um... well like, Canada is..."
You: "Canada is what? Do you not like Canada babe?" (editors note: You don't have to use the word "babe," you can use anything you want... except you can't call her "smelly." Not ever)
Her: "Oh no! It's fine I love Canada.... Hey, wanna kiss?"
You: "Ph... I guess so." (you really do "wanna kiss," but you can't act too excited)
See? Works like a charm.
3. Chew chewing gum all the time, but don't smack like a baby.
Having great smelling breath is a staple in either getting a lady's attention or maintaining a relationship. However, you do need to be careful not to over do it. I myself always carry three packets of gum with me at all times, but not in just one pocket because that'd look weird. I carry two in my backpack and one in my pocket like a champ. Also, you must be careful to never EVER smack your gum like a baby, the lady will invariably think, "What a baby, I wonder if he needs baby powder like a baby," everyone else will also think that, including me.
4. The Eye Contact Rule:
Eye contact is tricky because of many things. The first reason that eye contact is tricky is because you have either a lazy eye or a creepy eye or a wooden eye. If you don't have any of these conditions, you can ignore the first reason.
The second reason eye contact is tricky is becase you never know what kind of lady you're dealing with.
Is she a lady that appreciates fellas gazing intensely into her baby blue beauties? Or is she the type of lady that appreciates a rather awkward gentleman that is embarrassed to even be talkin to a lady like her?
The latter is my personal favorite because, even though i'm not usually embarrassed to be talkin to a lady, you can surprise a girl better that way.
You see, when you're playing the awkward and insecure card, the lady automatically thinks that this is what she's going to have to expect for the rest of your relationship. Now when you do something that a normal romantic man would do like bring her flowers or tell her she's the most beautiful lady you've ever seen, it makes it all that much more special.
You may be thinking, "Isn't that cheating and rude and dishonest?"
Well... yeah a little, but ladies have "The Death Stare."
If you are unaware of what "The Death Stare" is, well it is the single most terrifying thing you will ever experience in your entire life, which brings me to my next point...
5. Dealing with "The Death Stare"
Ah yes, the Death Stare... It shivers me timbers just thinking about it. Personally, I have encountered the Death Stare many a time in my life. You see, I grew up with four lovely sisters and one lovely mother. And even though they are lovely, super lovely, like the lovliest, well they can give some of the deepest darkest Death Stares you will ever see. The Death Stare has been known to cause panic, confusion, insomnia, extreme regret for what you did even though you don't know what you did, and, in extreme cases, permanent blindness.
I have yet to find a cure for the Death Stare, but I have come up with a few techniques that help deal with it. They are as follows:
1. Apologize for every wrong you've ever committed in your entire life.
And don't just do a half-hearted apology, apologize like you've never apologized before. You might even consider crying a little bit, not a lot, just enough to make them see you're really really sorry. Because you are.
2. Shield your eyes and eye sockets.
Though often times this just makes them stare harder, eventually they'll fall asleep. Although, I've heard tell of one lady who actually stared through a man's hand. Right through it, no joke. Like I wish I was joking but I'm not, stared right through that guy's hand.
3. Fall down and hurt your body in some way.
Yeah I know, it's pathetic, but it kinda works. It makes the lady turn back into a human instead of the cyborg Death Starer she's been morphed into. She'll just give you the "Oh, please" look and walk off. It's not worse than the alternative.
So that's really all I've got in my guide to the ladies, if you have any questions... well don't ask questions okay?
I'll see ya around.
By
Levi Seymour
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