"Happy Wife, Happy Life" and Other Lies

The world is full of a ton of great people. Big people, small people... people who are medium. One day, and hopefully soon, you'll find a mate. (A mate? Me?) Yeah, kid. You. 

I recently got married, 15 days ago, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I "married up," as they say, and it isn't just because she's taller than me. Brianne can do all the great things you hear about in the movies. She can cook, remind me not to do dangerous things, pick out the absolute worst movies on Netflix and ask me if I like it a hundred times while we're still watching it. She's gorgeous, and if I catch you staring too long at her I'll tell your mom and her mom and my mom. Brianne is a good at laughing through awkward situations, which is good because they seem to follow me around. 

Since we've been married, I get a lot of these type of jokes (these jokes are the funniest jokes the joke teller has ever heard):

"How's married life, that ball and chain draggin you down yet?"

"How's life now that you got two bosses?"

"Do you miss your freedom yet?" 

"You do your chores today so you got permission to go out?"

To all of you, joke havers, 

From the bottom of my heart,

Shut your dumb stupid mouths. 

I rather enjoy being married. 

I have significantly improved my situation. 

With that in mind, I'd like to address the "happy wife, happy life" belief that so many hold to be as true as the constituthahaha... Ha okay, I'll get it this time... so many hold to be as true as the constiHAHAHA... the constitution. 

Anyway, happy wife happy life is pretty dumb. Not because you shouldn't try to make your wife happy, but, firstly, because it qualifies your intentions and paints you as someone who is only acquiescing to her needs to feed your own desires, and secondly, because it implies that the only way for you to be happy depends on your wife. 

Your wife is important. She isn't a level of candy crush where you have to line everything up in order to accomplish something. She's also not the gate-keeping boss at the end of a crash bandicoot level who you have to defeat to find happiness. One thing about being married is that you're together a lot. But the thing about being individual humans is that you're not always together. I have Brianne in mind when I'm away, but when I'm talking sports with someone I'm not thinking "boy I'm glad I keep Brianne happy enough that I'm able to do this." 

About trying to make her happy, ask questions, be thoughtful, don't be a punk. Don't try to figure out the right thing to say because words don't mean anything if you don't mean any of them. She could be sad and you could say "you're beautiful, I love you, and I will take out the garbage tomorrow," but if you don't take out that dang garbage tomorrow, she might think you're full of crap about the other two. Don't be full of crap. 

I don't have an awesome conclusion, because I'm at work so I'm a little bit just rambling at this point. But, I like being married. It's good (that's for you). 

-Levi 

Dark Chocolate

is awful. If you eat it, stop eating it. If you don't eat it, carry on and don't get tricked into trying dark chocs just because you think it makes you look cool or chic or whatevs. Dark chocolate is the worst. The devil invented it, that's why it's dark. "Oh," said the Devil, "looks like you got something tasty there with chocolate. Lemme MAKE IT AWFUL! MWUAHAHAHA AND OTHER ALL CAPS THINGS!!!" Yep, dark chocolate is the pits. So much so, I have a little story that I would love to share. 

#thestory

(Did you like what I did there with the hashtag? Prolly not.) 

Jeremiah Fubdlebumpkins was a kind man. Ugly, but kind. He made his way through life by, quite literally, pulling himself up by his bootstraps. This looked really silly for two reasons: 1. That's almost impossible to do, and 2. He didn't wear boots. Tragic, really, but he was a nice enough guy and had a lot of friends that were always like, "Bro, don't even worry about it, I'll buy you a McDouble." (Trur fact: true friends buy each other McDoubles and say Bro.) That is, Jeremiah was nice enough until the event happened. What is the even, you ask? Well, it's bold and italicized, I'll tell you that. It's also the turning point in dear Jeremiah's life. 

#theevent 

(Oh no I didn't do the hashtag thing again! Oh yes I did! Get excited! Vermont, we love you!!!!) 

'Twas a pretty normal night in Indiana, full of rain, thunda, lightnaaaan, hurrycaaaaans, more rain, corn rain, and bunches of other things like bananas and grapes. (Like I seriously have no clue about that last sentence so don't ask.) Jeremiah, or JareBare, as his close friends knew him, was ascending the nearest telephone pole to get to a pair of Jordan's hanging from the line because he, too, wanted to be "Like Mike." (You didn't realize this, but the whole Indiana-like mike thing is actually really clever, 'cause corn rows.) All of a sudden, and because it doesn't happen any other way, lightning struck. And it struck in the worst of ways, knocking Jerry fo Ferry straight off the telephone wire without his Jordan's; and without a ticket to a fictional LA Knights team in the NBA where he plays along Taye Diggs and Tom Cruise's son (#research). Well... Maybe not the worst. I guess the worst would be like in the face or something. "Lighting face!" the people would say. Actually, that's cool. Dejected, muddy, embarrased... and a bit itchy just sayin, Jeremiah returned to his home. "Lord, why am I so... Silly?" Jeremiah said, feeling silly. "Know what! Who cares! It's time to get serious! I'm gonna be so serious from now until forever! Just you watch!!!" Suddenly, Jerry realized that he was alone and pretty much talking to himself, causing him to feel very silly. 

Thus began the arduous process of converting good things into bad, fun things into not so fun, Like Mike into Like Mike 2:( 

Jeremiah's lasting successes include: licorice, race-car driver sunglasses, the mall, the WNBA except when Griner plays Diggins, and last, and worst, dark chocolate. 

Dark chocolate covers a broad spectrum of "badness" for multiple reasons. First, it's very tricky. Señor Russel Stover has been at this for years now with every seasonal candy aisle in the nation. Strawberry cream filled Santa Claus? Delicious, even if it's full of pagan lies, but Russell and dark choc ruin it... Every. Single. Year. Secondly, dark chocolate is used by rich or old people to make young people hate the prospect of growing up. "Oh, when you grow up, you have to drink wine from Wal-Mart and eat dark chocolate!" No I don't ma, 'cause I'm Neva growin uuuuup!!!! (#drama)Third, dark choc makes you sad. And when it makes you sad, it makes me sad. And when I'm sad, I still look like I'm happy but that tends to make people mad. Butterfly effect. 

Keep things milk-chocolately. 

Peace, love, lace-patterned throw pillows. 

-weebs 

Baby, You Are NOT an Angel

We live in a "don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me," world. Can I qualify that statement? What do you think? (You think "no") But, what I can do is address the issue at hand *looks at hand* which is guys calling girls "Angel." Like, "You're an angel, babe," or, "babe, you're an angel," or, in Tatooine, "Angel, babe, you are." 

K. 

First off, calling her "Angel" isn't super original it's sort of just something people do, ya know. Second off, and super more importantly, angels are scary sometimes. No? Well, how bout yes. They are scary, and here is a list of reasons why. 

1. Movie Angels - John Travolta. He doesn't exactly sum up everything wrong with movie angels, but he does a good enough job. Is that what you're referencing when you call your girl an angel? Hm...? A hairy guy with wings? Hope not. Here's some more movies that should steer you towards an alternate pet name:

Legion - plot involves guy from the bad fast and furious movie getting attacked by angels and then saying the F word at one of them. 

Constantine - Keanu Reaves. Scary angels. 

Angels in the Outfield - Italian kid, Danny Glover, motorcycle dads, lots of arm flapping, baseball. Anything in that list remind you of your girl? Shhhhhhhh...... Shush hush. 

It's a Wonderful Life - ..... Except if you're George Bailey and a big old guy talks you down off a bridge. Like, Mary, George's wife, is pretty fine (Dear Lord I apologize for saying things) but everything is black and white and in the snow and it's sad. Favorite line: "Why do we gotta have all these kids anyway?!" I love you, Jimmy Stewart. 

One exception: Meet Joe Black. Brad Pitt. Still probably best not to think about Brad Pitt when you're with your girlfriend or wife tho. 

That's all she wrote. Except it's just me and I'm a man. So, that's all I wrote. 

Peace, love, stay away from strangers. 

-Levi 

Top 5 Things to Not Say to Your Girl

Ahem.

Hello.

Good morning to you all, it's great to be here.

Here where, you ask? Alive, that's where. Yes, it is great to be alive. 

I'm not being overly dramatic or anything, I'm just saying that it's really great to be a living, breathing human being that didn't just have their head chopped off. Okay so I spilled the proverbial (Greek word for "chocolate") beans there, but I've just been shocked by something. Shocked, you say? Shocked, I say. I #werk at Walgreens as a photo specialist (YESSIR). How special am I? Well one time a man had me put some cologne behind my ear to "see what it smells like," THAT special. Anywho, a young woman just sent in some photos. "WHOA BOY, A YOUNG WOMAN!" Calm down guys, it's only a blog. But in her photo order, consisting of her and a boyfriend type thing (kids these days), she chopped the head off of her boyfriend... In every. single. PHOTO. 

This is where you're all "#wut" and I'm like "*nods*"

All internet speak aside, this raises an interesting topic: what did this guy say to deserve getting fake murdered by his girlfriend 26 times? (If that seems like a lot, it is.) Well let's try and help our fellow man out by composing a list of what not to say. This ensuing list, in descending, yet not any particular order, is a lot like using safety scissors: you shouldn't have any trouble using or following it, but it's not idiot proof. 

5. "Yes." - oh it's SUCH A SMALL WORD! 

But you can straight up get your heine caught in a trap if you use it wrong. Like an actual trap. A bear trap. For bears, but your girlfriend sets it up. On purpose and with the sort of, "yeah I'm ticked but I know EXACTLY what I'm doing," look. When do you want to steer clear of the word? Always. Like if she asks if you want to do something, always say "I literally have no preference other than what your preference is, because we are one." Perfect, right? Right. 

4. "No." - Almost always the wrong word. The only time you're allowed to say this word is when she asks if something makes her look like something bad, and even then you have to do it a certain way. You grab her (like super gently 'cause don't be rude) by the shoulders, facing her of course, and stare deeply into her eyes, kinda like Orlando Bloom does in all those movies and my dreams and say, "NO. YOU. Are. Beautiful. Personified." Other than that, "No," is a no-no. 

3. "It looks nice" - Even if you're from a culture where "nice" means "the best thing on planet earth, please don't yell at your loving boyfriend. He would die for you. Oh, actually, there he goes," (English, I think) nice is always the wrong word. It drives my girlfriend nuts when I say it (yeah, I have one), and she has resorted to politely telling me to "SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN NICE IVE SAVED EIGHTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE TO BUY THIS EXACT SHOES AND DRESS COMBINATION." (Not true, she's actually in possession of the loveliest of personalities. But, in order to promote funniness[not a word] I'll lie a bit). Anyway, don't say anything is nice. 

2. "She's cool" - If you're talking about another girl. Let's face it, *turns* there we are: nobody else is quite as "cool" as your girl, and they never will be. That's why YOU are with HER, not some other hipster chicken. No other girl is any combination of any of the following: cool, smart, funny, nice(except sometimes, remember?), fun, any place you ever were, alive, a girl. 

1. "Whatever" - It'll probably happen in a dream-sequence type slow-motion(two hyphens? You're crazy!) nightmare that you can't stop. You'll say it, you poor sweet simple angel of a man, and then your life will be over BECAUSE(pause for dramatic effect even though, like, caps lock brah-brah).... You'll see it in her eyes, her face, her neck veins. Her eyes will well up, her hands will ball up, her phone will call up all the strongest people she knows (we're talking Power Team, and not the white ones) and she will see to it that you know exactly who's boss for the rest of eternity. She is. Let's be real though, *be's real* if you're enough of a silly-head(settin records for hyphens here) to say "whatever" to her, you absolutely deserve whatever you get. This is the United States of Don't be an idiot, and you are a constituent. 

Peace, love, Oxford commas, and Detlef Schrempf. 

-Levi

20 or 14 Party Ideas for 2014

From: Levi Seymour, News Person

Great things happen every single day. Sometimes these great things manifest themselves in the form of parties. Don't automatically think I'm gonna go on and talk about "Hey bro, this is how we PARTAYYY!" No. This is all about theme, January Jones. The theme MAKES the party... And also the people... And also the like food and stuff because I'm all about a good smorgasbord (French for "really neat bord). Now, I am a news man, so it's only fair that I do some interviews for this post. That being said, I did not do any interviews because life isn't fair. Did you learn a lesson just now? Yes you did. 

20 or 14 PARTY IDEAS FOR 2014

Cauliflower Party - Wow, what a dumb theme, right? WRONG AGAIN, DAD! Pardon my French, but a cauliflower party is literally the cremé de la cremé of vegetable related theme parties. Rule number 1? Most things have to end with -iflower: answer the phoniflower, hand me that napkiniflower, don't talk to me like that in front of my friendsiflowers, etciflower. You might be thinking, in like, sort of that thinking-under-your-breath way that you do, "Well doesn't that kinda narrow the cuisine?" NOPE. It doesn't, Shirley. You have great food, it's called cauliflower and YOU. WILL. LOVE. IT. 

Dress Like Penguins Party - In my life, there have always been questions that pop into my brain that need to be answered or I write a blog post about life not being fair, like: "What's the sun made out of," or, "why do people like tuna fish," or, "why is this man so loud in the bathroom, I'm sure it's not that bad?" One of these such questions has been, "When people wear tuxedoes, why do they call it a penguin suit?" Because it's black and white? Wrong; because all tuxedoes are made out of bad penguins, like ones that rob banks, are in batman, or the ones with the little kerfuffle on their cabesas (Greek for brain). Anywho, the Dress like Penguins Party is a party that will allow you to steer clear of wearing a DeVito, and start LIVING real LIFE. Dress up like an American Hero: the penguin. They sell onesies, make it happen. Foods include: Oreos, Ice, very cold water. 

Mulan Party - Only one requisite: you must be swift as the coarsing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Also, bring little dragons that are ethnically confused.  Added bonus: you get to defeat the Huns. 

California Gold Rush Party - Alls you gotta do is know how awesome gold is, dress like a dirty hobo, and fight people with pic axes. The food is bad though because it has to have dirt on it. 

Ten Plagues of Egypt Party - Dress up like you've been afflicted by your favorite (least favorite?) plague! Moses was bad motor-scooter, and ain't nobody wanted to mess with him. Impossible to dress the part, you say? Well I beg to differ, literally. Please please please may I differ? Okay. Well, you really hate frogs or locust or blood or boils or not being able to see the sun. It's really quite simple. We'll leave the last plague alone because WOW THATS SAD! And we don't want sad parties, now do we? Unless of course it's a 

Be Really Sad Party - Think of all the tissues and Cymbalta(TM) prescriptions we'll be handing out! Can't miss on this party, also known as a Sometimes Christmas Party or Tax Day Wasn't So Great Party. Refreshments include tears. 

Like Seriously What Month Even Is It Party? - I would hope that this party explain itself. You live in America, you're young, maybe you're old, you have bills, you have a job, you have three, count 'Em, THREE pet turtles; (cool semi-colon, bro) life is very confusing. Sometimes you just have to ask someone, after a very cordial and slightly flirtatious and maybe a little gassy conversation, "Like seriously, what month even is it?" It's a fun time. Refreshments include: forgetting to bring refreshments. 

Celebrities or Athletes That Look a Little Bit Like an Alien Party - More costume oriented than anything, but this can be great! You have a ton of possibilities! Here are a few: 

Kevin Durant (actually explains a lot), Amanda Seyfried (girl from Dear John. First letter to John, "Dear John, I'm having a great time here on earth? Why do you earthlings fight so much? I am an alien." It's okay because Channing Tatum, also an alien, can't read), 

Fergie (Lady Humps, yeah right), 

Gilbert Gottfried (like you need an explainatiln), 

Barak Obama (sorry, prezzy), 

all those ones from the housewives shows, 

Sarah Jessica Parker (lovely woman but she'd be a 10 as an alien I'm guessing), and Batman.

I purposely didn't put Kareem Abdul Jabbar on there because he had powers and I'm afraid. Refreshment possibilities include  Reese's pieces and twizzlers I think. Not an alien so I don't really know. Also I don't look like an alien (yes huh).

 

Pizza Party - Can't stop, won't stop. 

AN EVEN BIGGER PIZZA PARTY!!! - Also known as my birthday if you wanna be a real pal! We're talkin BBQ Chicken pizza, Alfredo pizza, cheese in the crust is a must! Do not even try to fight me on that! You dress like a normal person, and you abandon all concepts of what a diet is. I will eat my weight in pizza, and you will still love me... Please. 

11:11 Paruy - HA! I misspelled party and I'm not even gonna change it! What do you think about that, brain? (Levi's brain doesn't like it so much, actually) Anyway, this party can only last for two minutes tops, and that's if you take a break for 12 hours in the middle. The point is the have a bunch of people make the same wish at the same time. The wish will be that they give you all of their money after they convert it into gold. Don't be so uptight, it's a party. You don't need any refreshments. 

Republican Party - Not sure if this has been established yet, but I think it'd be really neat to get a bunch of people together that control industries and just talk about the good ole days. I really hope this party idea isn't taken yet. Refreshments are located in the sauna!

Democratic Party - Just vote on stuff. Lol just kidding. In this party we are all named Al Gore and it's your fault that the earth is crying. Refreshments are for winners, and we are all created equal. 

Retail Store Party - Go into a major store chain (the crap do you mean?) such as Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Stein-Mart, Target, Walgreens, not CVS, Kroger, Albertsons, HEB I SERIOUSLY DO NOT CARE JUST PICK ONE! And find a spot to sit down, pull together some lawn chairs, a grill, some charcoal, and start grilling. It's not a crime to set fires in stores, I checked. Listen, if they want to display things for use and not let us use them, that's their prerogative. But, I get very confused about social parameters and sometimes a "No DO NOT DO THAT," sounds very much like, "Be yourself and have fun!" It will be nobody's fault but theirs. 

Peace, love, and Scalabrine. 

-Levi

You Got Your Music Here, You Got Your Other Stuff There

From January The Second, Two Thousand and Fourteen

Have you ever known someone who always says "Ugh... music IS my life?" Well they're called liars. Music is your ENTIRE life? Really? Well how come you're not singing right this stinkin' second?? Well I'm sick of it. I'm stinking, flipping SICK!! I've come up with some challenges, a cure-all after another and so on, in this post that you may use to combat these hipster lobos(that's coyotes, I think. Irrelevant, but it sounded good). 

Also, I will bequeath the ever-important top ten list of hanging fruits. Are you excited about that? You bet your Adam's apple you are. (Ed. Note: you so wanna be like "OMG I see what he did there," but you won't. You won't do that. That's silly.) 

Without further ado (just one do, more like adon't), a reprehensible guide to Music is My Life-ers.

Situation 1: At the Mall

Part of the problem is that the mall makes it almost too easy to claim that music is your life. After all, your life is already boring enough that you have to go to a store full of other stores to spend money you don't have (nobody has money except Tom Brady but he's the best) on stuff you don't need for reasons you can't explain because music is your life. Somehow, you escape, and realize that music is, in fact, NOT your life. However, that doesn't mean the rest of Cleveland realizes this truth. You do live in Cleveland, don't you? Yes you do. 

Picture yourself. There you are, lookin all like how you look like.. Stupid and whatnot. Unsuspecting, you are suddenly in some kind of store type thing and being approached by a young person. "Ew, a YOUNG PERSON," you say out loud. And then the worst thing happens they start talking. Do I mean like they're moving their mouths and telling their brains to tell their vocal chords and mouths and breathing apparatus' to work together to construct letter sounds to construct words to construct sentences and communicate in the local societal language? When the Angels win the pennant I do! (Wut.) 

Anyway, this young person says something and you reply with a very loquacious, "um," and they then say, "Yeah man, music IS my life." 

Disaster is your name, and you are your life right now. 

Situation 2: At the Concert

So you go to concerts, that's perfectly alright. So you stand in lines, what do you want me to do about it? So your favorite band is really just one guy and a computer, no judgement here. But there's judgement right here in this compound sentence with a colon: a "band" needs to not have computers in it, little mama, it's science and it's the law. Don't listen to computers, they're responsible for The Matrix and that makes people batteries. DO YOU WANNA BE A BATTERY/Keanu Reaves? No you do not. Nobody does. That's not even how you spell his last name. 

Either way, you're at a concert. Maybe you pop out of the mosh pit (let's be real, you went to Dave Mathews and the mosh pit was just like the grocery store and you said excuse me) for a second to go get a sody-pop. Nothing wrong with an ice-cold ginger ale at a Dave Mathews concert (Ed. note, SO many things wrong with that). So you're sipping that delicious vegetable derived soda, and an old person approaches to probably ruin your life because that's their job. "Ew an old person," you say loudly because they need to hear how you feel and it's important to be honest, but they continue to talk in that boring long way that they talk an it takes forever. Love you Nana.

And they say, "Gobbelty Rogers was the VERY BEST music-man in the Chocolate Opera," or, "I don't know what these young people (so gross) see in all these Frilly Frallies and Pop Whistles. When I grew up in the Golden Age, we had real rock n roll with Gobbelty Rogers and other bands such as the Chocolate Opera. All chocolate all the time! Wednesdays it was Milk Chocolate with almonds. You see my boy or girl, I never can tell nowadays, music IS my life." And then you cry. You cry so much. And you ask God why bad things happen to good people. And you also ask Him what His first name is, because why not. 

Situation 3: The Family Vacation

"Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, we appreciate each other." Know what that is? Music. Know what else it is? NOT ALWAYS TRUE. Family vacations are great, you go places with people who are related to you, plan fun things, and try to make those things suck for everyone else. It's tradition and it's America. Let's say for your family's family vacation, you decide to drive to Montana. "For your family's family vacation, you decide to drive to Montana." There. Now you may be thinking, "well I live in Montana already." And okay. Okay that's fine. That's great actually. That's perfect. But that's not exactly my target audience so if you'd be so kind as to feel unimportant right now, that'd be swell (Ed. note, Levi actually loves everyone from Montana and thinks it's cool that everyone who lives there has to have the last name Montana. Like Joe. He also does not know a lot about Montana.) 

On the way to Montana, you stop at every single place you can spot that looks like it sells some quality jerky. Not important to the story, but just an idea. As you're delving into the delicious dehydrated beef/chicken/turkey/mongoose (oh, they make it) meats and careening down the highway towards the Land of the Most Tan, you notice a faint but distinctly annoying humming sound. It sounds like "hum humm hmmmmm hummmy huuuhuhuuhuuummmmmyyyy." Wow, that's bad. It's so bad. It's like the worst. It's your sister who is sitting next to you, or behind you. Whatever, maybe it's a small car but it doesn't matter because you. Can. Hear. Her. And that's bad and wrong for 2 reasons:

1. Murphy said so

2. She sucks at humming

On she goes though, and you are forced to make a suggestion, "Sister (or brother, who cares), would you care to stop humming/breathing? You're bad at it. A lot. You make me sad. You make me mad. You make babies sad. You are the worst. You are adopted." And then she (or he, it literally makes zero difference, geez) looks at you, turkey jerky planted firmly (not firmly) between her bottom row of teeth and lip and says, "music IS my life."

The earth shakes. The air suddenly becomes very full of wind; very windful. Birds stop singing, dogs stop barking, the sun stops shining, and celebrities stop making bad choices. It's the day the earth stood still. This is Your Life by Switchfoot comes on, and No, this is not who you wanna be.... Yeaaaaa

These have been a few pressing situations, the solutions following will apply to some or all situations in which you encounter a Music is My Life-er. 

But first, some fruit-related.... You know, stuff. 

The Top 10 Hanging Fruits

10. Watermelon - King of da fruits. Gots lots of vitamins. Always up there, hangin around. 

9. Kiwi - People group, fruit I'm allergic to. What's not to like?

8. Tomato - Curveball here, also can be used as a curveball. 

7. Tomato - Alternate pronunciation, alternate fruit: vegetable. 

6. Starburst - Delicious little suckers, hot me through many a lonely nights. Also not good for you. 

5. Lemons - Ever had lemonade? Tell me I'm wrong about lemons!!! Put it in your tea! Put it in diet coke! Put it in limeade! Stupid dumb limes, "Oh THEY'RE JUST GREEN LEMONS!" No mom, they aren't. They're better than that. 

4. Them Green Apples - Everyone's favorite grandma decided to turn the world upside down. Do you wanna revolution? Why, yes I do, Mrs. Smith.

3. Flintstones Chewable Vitamins - These chewy things have vitamins in them. Vitamins come from fruits. These vitamins were given an honorary fruit diploma. They count. 

2. Cookies - Doesn't matter what kind, if they grow on a vine and they're cookies, they're fruits and they're delicious.

1. Coconuts - If you don't agree because you think you don't like the "texture," let me remind you of the following:

1. Piña colada flavored stuff. Hispanics love it. 

2. Blue coconut cream slush at sonic,America's drive-in. Americans love it.

3. Coconut water. Rihanna and Leigh Ellis love the stuff

4. German chocolate cake. Germans love it.

5. There's gotta be some French guys who love it. They eat snails, they'll eat anything. 

That's the list and you love it. Now to the important business: Nap time. 

DON'T TAKE NAPS AT LAUNDROMATS DONT TAKE NAPS AT LAUNDROMATS..... Don't. Save yourself. 

Anyway, back at it now. You're wondering what the heck you're reading, and that's fine, but we definitely need to get back to the issue at hand: dealing with a music is my life-er. The first thing you must remember is that these people are not human beings and should not be treated as such. Okay, that's a little mean, but they probably just need to be shown how to live. So, take your time, be smart, and handle the situation appropriately by: 

1. Standing on Your Head - It's very hard to do and will immediately change the subject without you having to say a word. It may also make the person go away which is a huge bonus. Like a bigger bonus than the one George Bush got for "Just being a real cool guy." You can't do this in a car, so find something else. Suggestions include jumping out of the window... That's it. 

2. Be a mannequin - I'm not saying to stand completely still, they've already seen you move. But you can be a robot mannequin. Be really good at the robot dance and they'll be afraid of you. Also can't do this one in the car. Also will make old people scared, and that's dangerous. You know CPR? Better brush up on that.

3. Get a phone call like RIGHT THAT SECOND - "Oh! Steeeev! My broooooo! Last time I saw you, I didn't even see you nawamsayaaaaaan!!!" Then be like, "oh sorry bro, you need something?" This only works once in public because everyone knows people named steeeev don't generally receive such warm receptions, even on the phone. People will think that steeeev has just had something terrible happen and that's why you're being nice to him, because c'mon, it's STEEEEV. You don't wanna talk to him that long, and he's not gonna call more than once. In fact, don't even fake talk to steeeev, he's not worth it. Hope he feels better soon though. You're ma boi steeeev (he's not). 

4. Fall asleep real fast - there's a disease, it's real, and nobody knows who has it or how or why it happens. If you can be still, do this. Works every time unless the person talking to you is hilarious or you are ticklish.

5. Say "Music is also MY LIFE" - and get in a battle to see who's life is actually more music. Oh, you saw Tom Petty? I saw him and the heartbreakers. You listen to music 24/7? I listen to it 25/8! You're in a band? Well I started a band and there's no computers allowed! You'll get in a fight. It'll be glorious. Security/your parents will get called. But you know what? It's okay. Because music, it's your life. 

By 

Levi Seymour 

Shoutouts to:

Ross, Tom, the mall, and Doritos. 

Stay honest. Don't feed alligators larger than you. 

Top 5 Secrets to a Successful Relationship

It was a dark and stormy night as Persius ascended the frozen slope of Mt. Olympus. He was near the summit when he remembered that he had nothing to do with this blog post and then I started writing about what the title suggests. (<- That was me being weird) Anyway, Brianne (My lady friend) and I(Levi) will be celebrating our 20 month anniversary tomorrow. "WOW!" you might be thinking, "That's a long time!"
It is a long time. In fact, it's an incredible, almost UNBELIEVABLE amount of time. Not a bad thing, but one starts to develop certain secrets to success in a long-term(forever is pretty long term) relationship. My TOP 5 SECRETS TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP follow:

5. Be Dashing

Not dashing like Prince Charming or a really dressed up Robert Downey Jr., but dashing like REALLY FAST. Your woman should appreciate it if you can run, jump, throw stuff, or dance really fast. Trust me, I can do all of those things and that fact is not lost on Brianne. Time and again she says to me, "It's pretty cool how you're so fast at jumping and throwing stuff." And it's true. I jump so fast, I'm like the fastest jumper there is. Someone wanted me to do a jumping fast commercial but I didn't want to brag or make anyone jealous. (ed. note: Levi just lied... A LOT)

4. Tell People in Other Cars What To Do When You're Driving

"Hey man, turn on your lights because it's DARK!" or "Hey, be better at driving!" are both great examples. Authority, as well as supremacy and general intelligence are exhibited in situations such as these. Wow. Your girlfriend or wife or whatever will think you're the best dude ever. "Oh man he's so commanding and cares about safety!" It's a win-win.

3. Tell All Your Mates That She's The Prettiest Girl Ever

Even if your mates' girlfriend is standing right there. And you can go ahead and look right at their girlfriend when you say this, as if to say, "Yeah, not you, Plain Jane." Except don't say this to me because my girlfriend IS the prettiest and I'll beat you up.

2. Be The Right Amount of Chivalrous

Is chivalry dead? Who cares, we're not talking about that. What is important is knowing the RIGHT amount of chivalry. I get her door pretty much all the time, I'll carry sfurr, and I'll hold umbrellas or whatever. BUT, I'm not going to go overboard and lay my jacket down in a puddle so she can step on it. Do you know how ridiculous that is??? Yeah, the bottom of her foot is dry but my jacket is trash. I can't even wear it now, what if I get cold? I suppose I'll look like an idiot all night.

1. Just Be Nice

I've seen dudes make mistakes before where they forget this rule and be mean. Like his woman will say, "Hey can you grab my jacket for me because I'm very cold?" And he'll say, "SHUTUP AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE!" Ooh... no, sir. Probably just a simple "Yes" would have worked. Nice-ness works almost all the time to promote a healthy relationship. Whether it be not watching basketball and spending time with her, carrying stuff, buying stuff, not saying mean stuff, or telling her that her hair looks pretty, being nice is really great.


That's all.


-Levi