Ladies and gentlemen, boys and women, girlies and manly men....
Today is a sad day.
You might be thinking, "I don't really want to read this, but i will anyway so i can make fun of Levi later."
Thanks jerk.
Anyway, I recently went to the bank to deposit some money. (you know how i do)
But also, I went there to see Bank Lady Woman. Gorgeous, kind, funny, beautiful, graceful, good at cooking, doesn't smell weird; I went to the bank with these qualities in mind. I was nervous as I always am before seeing the closest thing to an angel on earth, Bank Lady Woman.
So in preparation for seeing Bank Lady Woman, I do the following:
1. The first thing I do before I can go within a mile of Bank Lady Woman is 45 squats. Why do squats you ask? Because it strengthens the butt muscle, and even though she can't see your butt because she's behind a counter, she can tell. Trust me. Why do I have to do this before i can go within a mile of her? Because Bank Lady Woman has eagle eyes.
2. Next, I prepare myself a delicious garden salad consisting of: you guessed it, a garden.
A garden salad is good for settling your nerves, I learned this after watching a Bruce Lee movie in the 5th grade. Works like a charm.
3. I eat about 6 whole packages of gum. Not chew it, eat it. This way you are assured to have minty fresh breath, and probably also a minty fresh stomach. It's healthy.
4. I watch an hour of SportsCenter to keep myself humble.
Well, after I did the neccessary preparation for seeing Bank Lady Woman, I went to Wal-Mart to see her. What happened next changed my life forever.
I walk in, giddy. I'm practically floating as I walk past the greeter, not even checking to see if he's creepin on me like he always does; I'm happy to be alive. As i approach the First Convenience Bank, I can't help but notice that Bank Lady Woman's line is unusually long. "No worries," I tell myself, "probably just some dumb patron."
But then I look, then I look away, then I look back, then I look away again, then I look back again and I can't decide what to do so I look away once more. And then... I look back.
My heart is racing. My pulse is pushing 700 bpm. The whole world starts to spin. I don't even know who I am anymore.
The image I saw will remain in my brain until I see something more horrifying, which I probably never will.
Bank Lady Woman and Hot Deli Guy Man.... holding hands.
My own tears started streaming down my face. My own tears started streaming down my hands. My own tears started streaming down my arm pits. My own tears started streaming down other people's faces. It was a tragedy.
And so, my life is changed forever. I have given up on anything happening with Bank Lady Woman. I hope she has a happy life with Hot Deli Guy Man.
By
Levi Seymour
